2011 In Review

Me in March 2011.

Happy.

Sad.

Monumental.

Gazillion of lessons.

Lost friendships.

Gained friendships.

Ended a relationship that never should have been.

Semi-Rekindled a relationship with a close family member.

Met some women.

One is a potential.

Got a couple of jobs (PT but helpful nonetheless).

Decided that I am not going to pigeonhole myself to stay here in St. Louis.. I am single with no dependents.

Hosted two events… One here in Saint Louis and another in Chicago:

“Embracing Who You Are”

“Youth Self-Empowerment”

Learned my niche and how to stay in my lane.

Was apart of “Embrace The Skin You’re In” hosted by Brittany “Miss Fitt Britt’ Ramsey.

Got burned by people using me and stealing ideas.

Placed myself into some financial troubles.

Went to Florida to see my nieces, oldest brother and sister in law.

Watched my older younger brother complete one of his biggest dreams (Becoming a Police Officer).

Got the EIN number for my business.

Met and interviewed Lisa Price.

Met and got business advice from Rae Lewis Thornton *Sad that I don’t have a picture :-(.

Was apart of a great movement “Show Me The Blog” birthed by Danyelle Little.

Met and Stanned for Miss Robbie of Sweetie Pies.

Gained three mentoring clients.

Became apart of a movement “I’m Gay Now What” which is a mentoring Non Profit for LGBTQ Teens.

Did a guest post on a national blog Nicole Clark about “Hate in the LGBTQ Comminity”.

Applied for Graduation and will be walking across the stage May 11, 2012.

 

Me December 2011

I came into my own this year. I love who I am and no one can take that away…

Always make sure that you learn from the lessons that you go through in your life. Good or bad, there is always a message.

I want to take the time out to thank you all for reading and supporting my blog. I started this blog on WordPress in August got way over the amount of views that I expected. That means a lot to me and you all can expect more blog posts (not gonna say daily) from me in the new year….

Love you all, God Bless and Happy Early New Year.

 

XoXo, Javania


Me, Myself, and I Circa 2005

Here is a paper I did Spring 2005… My second semester in college….. I was 19 and angry at the world.. The growth that I have done is AMAZING…

“Every year I ask myself, what do I want to change about me? It is always the same statement: I want to change my bad ass attitude.  It never fails; I will be nice or try   to act nice for about a good week; then I will back to my old ways giving any and everybody attitude.  So this year I made more than one New Year’s Resolution so I could at lease accomplish one.  The first one is of course to change my attitude, but that one can wait a while because my second one is to get off of academic probation.  This one will be the most challenging one because I messed up so early and I have a low grade point average.  I played around last semester and this is where I ended up feeling low and stupid and I will work harder than ever this semester so that I can earn a 3.0 grade point average and get out of the gutter.  I have to do this for me because I am the one who is suffering. I am the one who got me into this and I have to be the one to get myself out of it.

The first resolution will always be hard for me because people do not know what other people go through from day to day and when people jump to conclusions or say blurt things out it upsets me.  I am one of those girls that many always hear about with the bad attitude problem.  I have a major one and it will not be a good idea to get on my bad side because it will be over then.  When I try to be nice, it does not work.  I feel as if I am being phony, so I go back to the way I was, or stop trying to be nice.  Hopefully I will change for the better because I do not want the reputation of being “The Bitch”, but I also do not want the reputation of the soft girl that take anything.  Many say I will die from a heart attack and I do not want that; so maybe if I go to some anger management classes I will have a much better attitude.  I am the biggest baby on earth, but have the saddest attitude.  What kind of combination is that?

My second and most important New Year’s Resolution will be easy to achieve if I just sit down and focus for once in my life.  When I want something badly, I get it and I want so badly to get off of academic probation so all I have to do is do it and stop talking about it.  I am going to accomplish this by earning a 3.0 grade point average in all of my classes.  Studying is the big priority for me because I do not know how to study.  I never had to study until last semester and I see where that got me.  Going to tutoring whenever I need help will be hard for me.  My pride and ego is the cause of this. I am too big headed and need to know that it is okay to not understand a certain subject and not being ashamed to show it or tell.

My grades never struggled in high school the way they did last semester and it is very embarrassing to have to take a class over with the same teacher knowing that I slacked in her class.  Making this 3.0 grade point average will benefit my life so much because I will not be on academic probation anymore. I will be able to transfer if I still desire to do so next year.  Also, I will feel good about myself knowing I set a goal and achieved it, and it was dealing with school, and I did it with out a problem.  A person may not have any flaws on the outside.  They might not be visible, but that does not mean that they do not have any problems at all.  This is me, I am so messed up on the inside, and I know what I have to do to change what is wrong.  I have to start with the most important problem right now.  My education and whatever else will have to come second.”


LGBTQ vs. LGBTQ

Here is the guest post I did for Nicole Clark Read, Enjoy, and Comment

LGBTQ vs. LGBTQ

Stud on Stud

Femme on Femme

Stud on Femme

Transman on Femme

Transwoman on Stud

Stud on Transman

NEWSFLASH… IT DOES NOT MATTER…

Fighting.   Fighting because someone looked at your “lady” too long at the club.

Fighting because someone bumped into you and didn’t apologize at the club.

Fighting because your “lady” is flip at the mouth.

Fighting because your “lady” forced you to pop her ass because she kept badgering you.

Hate.  Hate because no one understands you.

Hate because you are tired of explaining why you love women.

Hate because someone else is doing better than you.

Hate because you are tired of being looked over.

These examples are simply real and not the end of the problems present in the LGBTQ community.

We are fighting heterosexuals, our family, our employers, AND our brothers and sisters who are just like us.   WHY though?   With all of the reports of gays being bullied, stalked, and killed because of being different one would think that we would stick together and love one another despite the differences we share sans our sexual orientation.

I remember hearing “just because one is gay, that does not mean they want to talk or be friends with someone else who is also gay” this statement is an understatement. Even though I do not like to admit… that statement makes sense…. To those who are close-minded and don’t want to think outside of the box. In the same regards…..the same goes for heterosexuals…..

However, heterosexuals have rights when it comes to the ones they love, they can get married, and be on their wife’s or husbands insurance at work etc.

Homosexuals cannot.

The “National Black Justice Coalition” (NBJC) is the leading organization that represents African Americans in the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgendered, and Queer community. NBJC is fighting for us, fighting old stereotypes and traditions.  They are going into the Schools, Churches, and HBCU Universities to get equal rights.  They are also fighting the GOVERNMENT.  These fights matter… Not the fighting that’s done because you have self-hatred that some chooses to spread among others.

Go look in the mirror to see who you are, really look deep because YOU have to live with whomever you are.  If you don’t like who you are then start fighting and hating THAT person…not someone who has done nothing to you.. While fighting the person you want to get ride of.. dig, dig, and dig to bring out a better person.    We must stop fighting each other because we cannot fight for our rights and ourselves as the same time. Spewing hate is the number one way to isolate yourself. When no one wants to be around you anymore, realize that it was you.

I challenge you to go on a positive journey starting RIGHT now and leave all of the hate and fighting behind you, it’s never too late to start over.  Here are some links where you can start to become a positive non hating/fighting individual:

http://pamshouseblend.firedoglake.com

http://www.nbjc.org

http://www.studology101.tv

http://imgaynowwhat.com

Thanks for reading, share with your friends and family. Go ahead and take baby steps to not become one of the LGBTQ members spreading hate…


How To Love Yourself

DISCLAIMER: I don’t claim to know everything and I don’t claim to be an expert.  I am however someone who used to hate looking at myself in the mirror, I used to hate what everything about me looked like. I used to tell myself I wanted to just die.  These are TWO of the exercises that I DID for myself to get out of the negative place that I was in.  These exercises may not work for YOU. You have to get into the habit of finding out about YOU and how YOU will respond to retraining your mind to be positive.  I happen to believe in God… I talk and answer to him. If you decide to do my exercises you can take out God, or if you don’t believe you don’t have to think about a higher being.

Enjoy.

Exercise 1:

It is important to be honest with yourself; you have to answer to your eyes and God (if you believe or if you believe in something else).  Write out things that you fear then write out why, and then steps that you will take to get rid of your fear.  Being fearful holds you stagnant in your growth and makes you comfortable.  You never want to be okay with not changing and facing dears.  You have to learn to overcome your fears.  Lying allows you to not change.  If you really sit down and figure out what bothers and scares you, life will become better.

Exercise 2:

Everyday for thirty minutes write down something that you feel you need to change about yourself, why, and how you plan to make these changes.  There needs to be at least four steps on how you plan to make these changes in your life.

 


Career/Professional Goals for 2012

 Every year in my birthday month (October) I sit down and make out goals for the coming year, and I have finally finished them to my liking. I will not share ALL of my goals but I will let you in on a few.  This year I have big goals that I KNOW I will make and I am sooooo excited.

Career (Javania M. Webb, LLC)

  • Network, Network and more Networking
  • Create and Finish Proposals
  • Monetize www.javaniamwebb.com
  • Research and study career professionals before me

Career (Non-Profit Administration)

  • Full Time job at Youth, Women, or LGBTQ Organizations
  • Continue at Part Time job for Savings/Debt

Professional and Networking Conferences

  • Momentum Conference 
  • Sexual Assault Conference

Networking Opportunities for Javania M. Webb, LLC

  • Officially Join four Professional Organizations

My Memoir, My Story

  • Work on it daily

Business and Networking Travel

  • New York
  • Washington D.C
  • Chicago
  • Philadelphia

Money

  • Save six month Emergency Fund
  • LIVE UNDER my means
  • Consolidate Federal Student Loans
  • Pay whatever EXTRA I can to Sallie Mae and CITI Bank Student Loans (both private)
  • Save up for down payment on townhouse or condo

Life

  • Get rid of toxic people and things

School

  • Finish Graduate School with a 3.5-4.0
  • Look to see who can supervise me for Counseling License
  • Take four extra classes to meet the counseling license requirements

 


Javania Stealing

Stole from Spoken Words & Thoughts

Cheers to all of us thieves!

A. Age: 26

B. Bed size: Euro Top Queen

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the kitchen

D. Dogs: Yes, and soon

E. Essential start to your day: Prayer

F. Favorite color: Purple is ALWAYS my fave, but I have been cheating with blues

G. Gold or Silver: Can I pick both? No, okay GoLiver

H. Height: 5’1

I. Instruments you play: None

J. Job title: Entrepreneur, Graduate Student, and Crisis Intervention Specialist

K. Kids: None

L. Live: Saint Louis

M. Mother’s name: Mariyln

N. Nicknames: Jodi, Stink Pot

O. Overnight hospital stays: One

P. Pet peeve: Liars!

Q. Quote from a movie:

R. Right or left handed: Left Handed

S. Siblings: Two brothers

T. Time you wake up: 6:30 am

U. Underwear: Sexy Lace

V. Vegetable you hate: None

W. What makes you run late: Taking my time while getting dress.. Which equates to be getting carried away.. LoL

X. X-Rays you’ve had: A few

Y. Yummy food that you make: Green and sweet corn bread.. BOMB dot COM

Z. Zoo animal: None. Ew.


Eyes Circa 2008

Here is another post I did in 2008 sometime…

When I look into your eyes, what do I see?

I see sadness of hurt from your past relationships;

I also see longing, in your eyes you wanting to love me

But not knowing how

 or wanting to get hurt;

But at times you see the same pain in my eyes,

Only I will not allow you to get close.

My heart is wounded; it just needs a little time to heal;

From all of the disappointment and frustration

Of needing and wanting to be loved,

But not knowing how to ask or receive it


Color Purple Circa: 12-03-08

I am cracking up at the poor job of sensual poems I did.. I took an English Creative Writing course..While I was still trying to come to terms with being gay.. The things I was thinking back then… SMH is all I can do… YOU, YOU reading.. Where was your mind frame in 2008? Clearly mine was on sex, sex, and more sex.. LoL

 Color purple

Erotic and deep

Lets you see beyond it

Draws you in and makes you wonder

Why the color is so sexual

Makes you want to…

Color purple

It brings out something in others

Makes you want to beat on someone

Whether sexual or violently

Makes you want to expose yourself

Do you love the color purple?

Erotic and deep

Sometimes things just need to be free from constriction

Color purple

Lets you see beyond it

Draws you in, makes you a sexual being

Color purple


Mentoring OUR Youth

When you sit back and think back to the years when you were in grade school through high school, what do you remember the most? DO you remember bullying, having sex in the corner stairwell hall, being made fun of because you didn’t have the “in” clothes, getting good grades, tutoring or getting tutored, being mentored by someone older ??

Now think about where you are now, and the conversations that your sisters, cousins, brothers, nephews, or nieces are having?

Are you worried that they are getting the wrong information?

I am… and I mentor..

When a teenager asks ‘What does fucking feel like” what should you say?  I can remember thinking about questions like this when I was a teenager.  I remember hearing my auntie telling me that sex is emotional and feels great when it is with the right person.  So again… what should we tell our young ladies when they ask questions like the one above?

 

Other questions I have been asked:

Can you take me to get an abortion?

Can you buy me some condoms?

Can you tell my mom that I am NOT having sex if she asks you?

What does getting and giving head feel like?

Is it okay to reuse condoms?

I thought sex is supposed to feel good, why does it hurt?

 

YOU get the point.. and these are questions from teens who are actively having sex and they are confused about the whole idea of having sex..

 

I have been mentoring since I was 15 with the neighborhood cheerleading team under my Aunt who was the head coach.  These girls were asking me questions about sex that I’d never heard of.. they just assumed that I knew and I am sure I led them the wrong way a couple of times. Butttt it was good to have older friends and to be smart. See I was in honor courses and the upperclassmen were in just about all of my classes soooo I learned and took notes… I first found out about orgasms, oral sex, SEX, and more SEX…You get the picture..(I truly don’t know if that was a good or bad thing..)

 

ANYWHOO…

 

When mentoring a young woman it is your job to provide her with the correct tools and mind frame to help her along her way.  I talk, do activities, give homework (and expect it to be done), and spend time.  I am consistent with them, and I let them know that nothing is off limits, meaning no questions or topics are too personal.  The purpose of me mentoring young women is to help shape and mold them into honest women of our future.  Our youth is hurting tremendously.. and Amber Cole is not the first teen to do something that her boyfriend asked of her because she thought she was in love, teens and “adults” do these type of behaviors daily. BUT the question is WHY are our teens feeling like they must give head or have sex to fit in.

 

I know that I am in the minority when I say that children should be sheltered… my grandmother raised me that way and I believe I came out just fine, of course I had a little bumps along the way, but her strictness was for the better. I grew up in Chicago…we know about the statistics for STDs, STIs, HIV/AIDS there..  I know live in St. Louis and the rates are astronomical in the high schools. These rates will NOT leave until we get real about mentoring, and teaching our teens safe sex and abstinence.

Think about how you can help a teenager out, and make sure that they are going to be prepared for this world that we are living in..

 

Thank you for reading..


Her Clarity; My Appreciation

I received an email from somone who wants to be annoymous thanking me for my blog… There are times when I think that people are reading or don’t care about what I have to say. Then there PLENTY of moments when I know that I am helping someone. Although I am not blogging for others, (I am blogging as an extension of my healing) when someone thanks me it lets me know that my healing and helping others heal is not in vain. I thank you all for reading my blog and leaving comments!! MUAH

Here is what she said:

“Your blog’s fascinating.  I contemplated suicide three years ago because I couldn’t figure out what to do after my mother (who I cared for) died.  I was in a deep depression and finally came to the point where I felt like my purpose on Earth was no longer necessary.  I debated between pills and a knife.  But instead I texted my bff who immediately came to my house and talked sense into me.  I got help from a wonderful psychologist and now I’m as happy and as whole as I can be.  There were some deeper issues that had to come out, as well as my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  Now I understand my life from a completely new perspective, and I’ve embraced the whole of who I am.  What my new purpose is…I haven’t a clue.  But I’m free to live the life I always wanted, and what my parents wanted for me”.