Dating vs. Family

Dating vs. Family

You vs. Dating vs. Family

Person you’re dating vs. Family

Heterosexual Dating vs. Homosexual Dating

Heterosexual Family vs. Dating vs. Homosexual Family vs. Dating

 

Either way, two different upbringings coming together will often have issues to work through because not everyone is raised the same! There are differences, actions, ideas, beliefs etc. that some people are not willing to accept… Who says that your family must accept the person you’re dating? Who says that the person you’re dating must accept your family? Is that an unspoken rule? Is that mutual respect? Then what happens if neither parties wants to do the latter?  Is one person just stuck with having to chose between family and the person that they are dating?

 
What insight do you have on dating that you can give?


Memior: Mother

I have been working on writing a book about my childhood, being molested and working through the aftermath of being molested, and then about how I have overcome..

Part of the book will have some parts about my mother and her drug use.  I have been very open about how I felt about my mother feeling like she chose drugs over me. The reality is she didn’t, I know that there are others out there who had parents that used drugs and probably did not understand the drug use either.  I remember days when she made promises but broke them…. The promises were broken because she found, panhandled, or even begged for money to get her drugs.  I never knew how to express my feelings and emotions because I was too young, so I expressed anger towards her.  My mother was a wonderful woman, but she did not know how to leave the drugs alone, I believe because she was embarrassed about her mental illness. My mother was bi-polar and had schizophrenia symptoms as well…

BUT no matter what she always told me that she loved me.

I know what it’s like to want “that” special mother’s love,

I know what it’s like to want to go to the mother’s dance with your actual mother,

I know what it’s like to want to call and talk on the phone with my mother when feeling down,

I know what it’s like to sit on the sidelines and see friends interacting with their mother and feeling left out even with them doing the best that they can to make me apart of their family.

Through it all I have kept most of my true feelings to myself because at the end of the day, I do not have a mother who is here in the physical but I am not lacking in spirit.  God knows what the plan he has for my life, and it would be unappreciative of me to act as if the ‘mothers’ I do have do not mean a lot to me.  I may not have my birth mother, but God has placed other women in my life who are like a mother to help me.

So if you, are like me in the sense of not having a physical mother here on earth (no matter the reason), but have women in your life that can be that mother figure make sure you take the time out to thank them.

Feel free to share with me if you would like! 🙂


I’m a ……

Mommie!!!!!! 🙂

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Charlie is his name.
Beagle/Pit mix.
Two months old.
Learning to potty train.

Isn’t he just the cutest, I’m reading up and hearing that he’s going to get bigger… Not too happy about having a huge dog, but he’s changed my mind about that… I am thankful that I did wait though for the right puppy instead of moving fast like I normally do… 🙂

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LGBTQ LOVE: Zakia

  • Name and Location Zakia B. PA.
  • How old were you when you “came out”? I don’t know if I would call it “coming out”…..I started dating a woman at 32 and didn’t hide it! I didn’t call a family meeting or anything, I’ve never announced who I was dating before and didn’t feel the need to now!
  • How old were you when you knew that you were attracted to the same sex?  I’ve always thought girls were pretty , but not in a sexual way! I became sexually attracted to women in my late teens, but I never ever thought I would be in a relationship with a women!
  • How did your family react?  My mother is bisexual as well, so the members of my family who know about my relationship, haven’t said anything or questioned my decision. My friends were the ones with the issue!
  • Do you label yourself?  No, my friends always ask  “Are you gay?” My response is no, right now I’m dating a women! The fact that she is a woman had nothing to do with my attraction. It was something about HER, from the first time I saw her I knew she would be in my life!
  • What is one misconception about the LBGTQ “Lifestyle” that you want to get rid of?  When people think about LBGTQ the first thing they think of is sex! Like we have sex 24 hours a day! This could not be further from the truth!
  • How can you help the LGBTQ Youth?  All young people need support, however I think LGBTQ youth need a little extra support with more hugs!  They need positive role models, I hope to be that one day!
  • Do you think that you were born gay?  I think that I was born with an attraction to women!
  • How do you feel about religion being the basis of homosexuality bashing?  I was raised in a very religious family, my grandfather and my brother are both pastors. I find that using ORGANIZED religion as a basis to bash homesexuality, is hypocritical. Most religions teach that God, Jesus , Allah created us and loves us ALL, if that is the case HE must love the Gays as well, right?
  • Do you have children? If yes, how do you “successfully” parent being LGBTQ?  I have two children, a thirteen year old son and a five year old daughter.  Telling my son was the hardest thing to do, I wanted to be honest with him, because my mother was never honest with me about her sexuality when I was a child! I told him as soon as I thought my relationship was getting serious! My kids are this ONLY people I’m concerned with, I want to make sure they are happy and love who I love. So far it’s worked out well!
  • How do you make sure that you are being positive?  Growing up with a bisexual mother, and attending boarding school for many years, taught me tolerance and acceptance! We may not agree with what others do, but the key to living in a peaceful society is to be tolerant of other peoples choices in how they live their lives. If they’re are not hurting others or themselves, people should be able to life their lives in peace, without worring about discrimination of ant kind. I hope to be an example to my children and all children I have taught over my decade long teaching career!

LGBTQ LOVE: Dawn Johnson

Name and Location Dawn Johnson – Los Angeles, California

  • How old were you when you “came out”? I was 31 when I came out publicly, 20 when I initially told my dad
  • How old were you when you knew that you were attracted to the same sex? I was 15 years old
  • How did your family react? My family has been very supportive of my lifestyle choices.
  • Do you label yourself? I label myself in private but not in public i.e., I know I’m an Aggressive Femme and not a stud or a regular femme.
  • What is one misconception about the LBGTQ “Lifestyle” that you want to get rid of? The misconception I would want to get rid of is that all people in the LGBTQ are dysfunctional due to being abused or hurt by the opposite sex.
  • How can you help the LGBTQ Youth? I think we can help the LGBTQ Youth by being examples of what healthy LGBTQ adults look like.
  • Do you think that you were born gay? I think I was born with the attraction to women, however was raised to believe that I should be with a man.
  • How do you feel about religion being the basis of homosexuality bashing?  I feel there are people who bash homosexuality from the religious sector who are only doing so because they are hiding their fear of being “outed”.
  • Do you have children? If yes, how do you “successfully” parent being LGBTQ?  I’m pregnant and plan to teach my children about all aspects of love so they can understand that there is no right and wrong if the love is real and pure.
  • How do you make sure that you are being positive? I choose my experiences and teach from the lessons I learn.

Pariah Review

Saint Louis finally got the movie… a couple of friends and I went on opening day… Not many people were there, I’ll say a good 20 people…… that’s pushing it. Of course there were more white people than African American… this is a movie that I feel everyone should see no matter your sexual orientation, however, I do feel that LBGTQ’s needs to see it more….These words are my opinions, please go watch the movie for yourself to get a better understanding.

Pariah:

http://focusfeatures.com/pariah/photos

Alike–played by Adepero Oduye, a young African American woman, senior year of high school, and apart of a family that is full of silent dysfunction.

Which starts with her parents.

Mother Audrey—played by Kim Wayans is overbearing and controlling.

Father Arthur—played by Charles Parnell non-existent because he does not want to be with mother. He’s a police officer and uses that to his advantage, and is never home.

Alike’s younger sister Sharonda—played by Sahra Melesse is the “prodigal” child according to her mother.. she happens to love being a “girl” …

Alike is identifying to be more masculine.

Alikes close friend, Laura—played by Pernell Walker a stud… who is in love with Alike but refuses to tell her (I was able to sense some liking from the first interaction).

Alike’s mother Audrey does not like Laura because she feels that she is influencing her in a negative way.  Audrey is odd, she has issues communicating, in a scene while she was at work on lunch, she is very uncomfortable being around people.  I believe it’s because of low and lack of self-esteem that she never handled from the past, plus having to deal with her husband cheating but not wanting to divorce, add that with her two children being aggravated with her.

Alike mother forces her to become friends with one of her co-workers daughter Bina—played by Aasha Davis, Audrey thinks Bina will have a “positive” influence on Alike… Bina however, is a wild child.  So much so that Bina ends up being Alike’s first and breaking her heart, because she just wanted to chill and have sex.  Even though Alike’s feelings were hurt, that moment was all of the confirmation that she needed.  She knew from that first kiss that the feelings she’d been having were indeed real.

Alike acknowledged that she was a lesbian.  She found her voice.

Her mother proceeds to beat her, Alike packs up some clothes and goes to stay with Laura.  Audrey goes on with life as if nothing happened and the next scene while they are eating dinner Sharonda mentions to her father that he needs to go find Alike.  Alike finds out that she can graduate high school early, and asks her father to sign the paperwork.  Alike goes to her mother’s job to tell her she loved her and to let her know of her plans, Audrey acts as if she is not there, and tells her she will pray for her then walks away.  Alike moves across country to attend a prestigious college writing program..

This film hits on many issues in the African American family..acting as if everything is alright when deep down you know it’s not. Numerous stereotypes are throughout this movie. Some of the stereotypes maybe true for some, but false for others. The point is light being shown on the issues in our families. Homosexuality is not a disease and I do not feel that it is wrong.  God made me and I know for a fact that he did not make any mistakes when he designed me. I know that the family issues when it comes to acknowledging your child is “different” and not going the way you want them to go are in my family. I have talked openly about how my family has responded to me coming out, although I have not been disowned, they have moments when the words they let come out of their mouth equate to diarrhea.  I have no control over that so I continue to live my life.. As it would be pleasing to God, not man.

Website link again… http://focusfeatures.com/pariah


Meet Kelli

Name and Location

Kelli Barnes from St. Louis

How old were you when you “came out”?

I came out when I was 21 or 22 years old

How old were you when you knew that you were attracted to the same sex?

I realized that I was attracted to the same sex when I was in high school.

How did your family react?

I had a mix of reactions from my family.  My mother is religious and is not accepting of her daughter being a lesbian.  We have had many disagreements and even periods of time where we were not talking because she was struggling with how to deal with it.  At this point she is better; I wouldn’t say she accepts it, but she tolerates it.  Hopefully we will get to the point where she accepts me completely.  I have some aunts that were very accepting…they had questions, but there was no judgment.

Do you label yourself?

If by label, you mean “femme” “stud” or “aggressive”, I would say yes.  I consider myself to be femme.

What is one misconception about the LBGTQ “Lifestyle” that you want to get rid of?

One misconception that I would get rid of, especially among lesbian relationships, is that someone has to be the “man” of the relationship.  I personally do not feel that heterosexual constraints should be placed on a lesbian relationship.  The implication that a woman has to play the role of man suggests that a lesbian relationship is somehow incomplete without a masculine presence.  This misconception shows how much people need to learn about the dynamics of a lesbian or any other LGBTQ relationship.

How can you help the LGBTQ Youth?

I feel that by being out and visible I am helping LGBTQ youth.  The more they see us being proud of who we are, they will realize they have nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you think that you were born gay?

I don’t know if I was born gay or not.  I believe that some people are, but I’m not sure if that applies to me.

How do you feel about religion being the basis of homosexuality bashing?

I feel that people who use religion to justify bashing or discriminating against homosexuals don’t know anything about God.  I believe that God created all of us in His divine image and therefore we all worthy of His love.  People use religion to justify the oppression of the minority because of fear and ignorance.  Until those people release that fear and ignorance they will continue to hide behind bible scriptures to make themselves feel valid in their hate.  It is my humble opinion that God does not want any of His children to be treated unfairly, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Do you have children? If yes, how do you “successfully” parent being LGBTQ?

I have a son.  My success as a parent really doesn’t have anything to do with me being a lesbian.  I’m trying to make sure that my son grows up to be respectful of himself and others, to have integrity and morals, to value his education, and to be a proud African American young man.  I would parent the same exact way if I were straight.

How do you make sure that you are being positive?

Being positive can be a struggle.  Going through stressful times can sometimes make keeping a positive attitude difficult.  However, I try to be mindful of my blessings and remind myself that valleys in my life are always an opportunity for growth. 

Where can we find you on the web?

You can find me on twitter @Boho_Radical


Meet LaChelle

Name and location: LaChelle, Minneapolis, MN

How old were you when you thought about committing suicide?

I was about 15 years old when the thoughts started. I went through a long sporadic period of severe depression in my teens.

Did you go through with your thinking?

No. I never actually attempted suicide.

Did you have a suicide plan? If yes, what was it?

Not necessarily. There would be times I would think to myself that I should just do it. Most times I would think of just slitting my wrists and sitting in a bathtub. I never thought about writing a note or anything like that.

What was the reason you wanted to commit suicide?

I believe that once you enter adolescence you fully gain consciousness of yourself and you become aware of who you are. You may not fully know yourself but emotionally you begin to be very aware of your feelings and your surroundings.  At the time my mother was on drugs and my father was absent like he had always been. Now, I could say those factors at that time were the sole reasons I had begun to think of suicide but I believe the issue was far more deep rooted and as mentioned before I only became conscious of my emotional issues when I entered adolescence. My mother being on drugs was not a new development; I just finally became fully aware that she was. She had been in and out of rehab from 1989 (the year after I was born) up until a few years ago and she has been sober ever since (which I am so grateful for). I never saw my mom do the drugs, she made it a point to keep that image of her away from me. The problem was that when a person is on drugs, the relationship they have with that drug is more important than any other relationship. Simply put, physically and monetarily my mother was always there for me but emotionally she was not, she just did not have the strength. I was not your stereotypical child of a drug addict. I never was in foster care or in the care of random people & relatives, I never went without food or clothing, I never had to deal with the embarrassment of everyone knowing my mother was a drug addict; it was pretty much hidden from the outside world. I can say now that I am so grateful for that and even impressed that my mother manage to take such good care of me while succumbing to her illness. What tainted me and caused me emotional pain for so many years was the lack of nurturing. I did not have story time with my mom, she didn’t come to my conferences, and I didn’t get in trouble if I had a bad grade. She missed out on soccer games, choir concerts and that type of thing. Sometimes she did make an effort but they always tended to be passive. It was hard seeing kids with moms that were so enthusiastic about what they had going on and my mom just seemed like she could care less. It was like no one took an interest to me. My mom would go to work, come home, cook me dinner and go into her room or watch TV for the remainder of the night. There was no togetherness in the household. On top of that, my sister was 11 years older than me and living outside of the home raising her own child at a young age, so growing up for me was very lonely. I did not feel important or that I was special. I was spoiled and showered with toys and nice clothes to compensate for the lack of emotional care. Another factor had to be the absence of my father and the amount of damage he did when he was there. He was always in and out of my life; it all depended on my mom’s willingness to be with him. He was abusive, he abused my mother for several years and he did not care who saw him do it. I have very vivid and frightening memories of him beating her.  In a sense, those early childhood memories made me who I am because I was not fully able to develop into a person before I was exposed to those kinds of things. Getting back to the point, in my teenage years I went through a huge insecure “why doesn’t anybody love me?” phase. That lack of nurturing and hostile environment had me seeking love in others rather than looking for love in myself first; I didn’t know any better. Negative emotions really fueled me at the time. I hated my mom, my dad, myself, my life. I thought that everything that happened was my fault. I was always in trouble at school for fighting because I knew there would be no consequences at home; my mother did not care. My mom had to go back to rehab while I was in high school and I basically lived alone while she was away. We ended up losing our house and having to move into an apartment; I had to live with my older sister and at my aunt’s house a few times. I was unstable in pretty much any way you could think of. I felt like I was a burden, like everyone’s life would be so much better if I was not there. It was a very dark time for me. I hated the way I looked. I thought that I was ugly and stupid. I mutilated myself by cutting which was partly a release and partly a punishment for being who I was. I remember being frustrated with myself for not having the courage to just do it. All the while no one had the slightest idea what was going on in my head and that I woke up wanting to die every day. There was a huge amount of shame living inside of me. I was ashamed of my mother, my father, my depression and myself for even being born. I was the only child of the 3 my parents conceived that survived child birth; I used to think “why didn’t I die like the rest of them?”

Are you thankful that you did not succeed?

Yes.  100% thankful. I wouldn’t be able to share my story with others. Moreover, I would have died not even realizing how great of a person I am. I’ve been blessed with so many gifts and so many wonderful people that I thank God for everyday. It’s truly amazing to me.

Have you gotten therapy to help you with your past suicidal thoughts?

I never went to therapy. The thoughts were all very internal. I would share thoughts with a boyfriend (who had severe emotional issues as well) but never family or close friends, I didn’t want them to judge me and label me as crazy. I think being a Black woman in general it’s hard to be able to discuss your emotions and feelings without being branded as an “Angry Black Woman”. I’ve been vulnerable with people in the past who just used it against me later as a way to judge me and that hurts a lot. If you cannot be vulnerable with people who claim to love you then who can you be vulnerable with?

If you could say something to your younger self, what would it be?

It gets better. The things you are going through do not make you any less worthy or special than the next person. Your struggles will make you stronger and eventually you will grow from them, learn and maybe even inspire someone else who is going through the same thing that you are now. You are smart you are beautiful you have so much to give. You don’t need the validation of anyone to know this, not your parents, your friends, a guy or anyone else. Hold your head high.

Have you talked to your family and friends about your past suicide thoughts and/or attempts?

I have not. In my family, it is really hard to speak on all of our pain because there are still some unresolved issues as far as people being able to get over things that happened. Things have definitely gotten better. My mom and I are closer now which is a huge accomplishment but I know there are still some scars left that each and every one of us is battling with each day. I just focus on finding peace individually. The past is the past. I would not change it for anything because it made me who I am now.

How can you help youth who are feeling suicidal, have tried to commit suicide, and did not succeed?

Let them know that they are not alone. Even if there is no one in their life to show them love or help them feel special there is someone who loves them unconditionally and that is God. If you’re feeling weak, pray. That is truly what got me through everything. Sure, I could have called a suicide intervention line and gotten some help but what people can’t do that God can is give you peace of mind. ALWAYS have faith in God, no matter how low you are feeling. If you have faith that things will get better then they WILL get better.

What is your mind frame now?

Right now I am happy with my life. It’s not perfect by any means. I get lonely, I get stressed and overwhelmed. I’m working on goals to better myself, emotionally, financially, etc. but I’m still content and at peace with my life. There’s nothing more that I want or need to make me feel happy or at peace, anything extra is just a bonus. There are still some emotional struggles I find myself battling every now and again but as of now I’m just focusing on nurturing this newfound peace of mind so I can live my life as positively and happily as possible.

How is your self-worth and self-esteem?

They are great. Overcoming those obstacles and seeing my mom go through some of the things she did really helped shape them. In addition to that I have been hurt by plenty of people and that also showed me what I do and do not want and how I would like to be treated. There are things I know I will never stand for because of what I went through in the past.

Anything else you want to tell us?

If you’re going through something and you feel alone, know that you are not. Someone has seen your struggle and that someone overcame it, you can too. Don’t compare your life to others; you’ll never be happy. If you have an idea of what you think life should be like, dead it; there is no way to determine how life is really supposed to be. Once you realize that life is not perfect, it will start feeling like it is. Accept and embrace your struggles, if you don’t they will become who you are. Learn as you go, learn as your grow.

Where can we find you on the web?

http://www.theeclectanista.tumblr.com