Embracing Who You TRULY Are

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?

When you look into your eyes, do you like what you see?

When someone else looks at you, do you get uncomfortable?

When you look at someone else, do you wish you looked like them?

When will YOU be enough for YOU?

Remember the old school saying: “You must love yourself before someone else can love you”

This saying should always be at the fore front of your life because it is true.

  • I remember at 7 years old at school being made fun of because I was in the bathroom putting on a pad and my classmates looking under and over the stalls laughing at pointing at me.
  • I remember being 9 years old being called a pizza face because I had severe acne and one of my “close friends” being the main one to start that laughter.
  • I remember being 13 years old sensing something was different about me because I was sitting next to my best friend and feeling a sensation in my body that I knew would get me in trouble.
  • I remember being 17 years old sneaking my high school boyfriend in the house while my grandmother was at work, learning the art of faking a orgasm, and being into men.
  • I also remember the pain I felt on the inside.. the lie I was creating would haunt me until I became strong enough to face the adversity that many LGBT members face..
  • I remember crying myself to sleep.
  • I remember hating the way I looked.

I also remember going to the mirror the same night that I tried to commit suicide and feeling a calm flow over me. I believe it was God talking to me saying that I was enough.

I was beautiful.

I was not left over trash.

I deserved to be me in the light and in the dark.

 

At 19 years old a true transformation took over for me. I started thinking positive. I started saying positive things to myself. I started dealing with childhood issues and the fact that I was lying to myself denying the attraction that I had to women. I got back to volunteering, and I prepared myself for what was to come.

Empowering is something that I do through my story.

You never know what someone is going through or what someone one has gone though previously.   Do your best to keep a positive flow through out your life. Once negative starts to flow, it will be in charge before you know it. Don’t let the negative things; people, and places take control.

End friendships if you have to.. You must be in control of what you want to deal will. If you have a negative perception of yourself, figure out why. You were born to be you, and no one else.

 

So again…

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?

When you look into your eyes, do you like what you see?

When someone else looks at you, do you get uncomfortable?

When you look at someone else, do you wish you looked like them?

When will YOU be enough for YOU?

 


Motivational Speaker / Workshops

I started this website to help promote myself, others who are amazing, and to build my brand.  I am now ready to stop the talking and start the doing. Everyone who knows me, knows that I had multiple trials and tribulations growing up as a child and that I am still working on those said issues….but that I also want to help others heal by talking to about about my experiences. I went through some necessary changes, but those changes could have been gone through differently if I wasn’t afraid to speak out. My goal is to help others not be afraid and to help them end that pain in a healthier way.

Everyone knows that I love to talk.

I want to start talking for a reason.

See Below:

Javania is on a mission who refuses to be defined by her past. Her passion is to help others free themselves from the chains that bind them, while steering them on a path of wholeness. Having overcome a childhood filled with molestation, and enduring the loss of her mother at 16, Javania knows first hand the dark prison if suicidal thoughts stemming from the sense of helplessness accompanied by low self-esteem.

Schools, Churches, Non-Profit Organizations if you have a day where you can have workshops to help the youth deal with Self-Esteem, Peer Pressure, Safe Sex, Abstinence, Rape/Molestation then, contact me!!

*Topics are not comprehensive and can be tailored to meet the needs of your program.

*The workshop includes a Journal made by Javania and Pens for the students to write with.

Javania is “Empowering Through Experience”: A Speaker on Worth Seeking, Inspirational Speaking, and Empowerment Teaching”

Website:
www.javaniamwebb.com
Twitter: JavaniaMWebb
Facebook: javania.m.webbInc


Day 17:

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

 

1. Being financially stable

2. Branding my name and business

3. Making my family proud

4. My mother and father

5. How to better myself

6. Helping end Rape/Molestation/Suicide Attempts

7. Love

 

Want to find out more about the challenge? Check out Spoken Words & Thoughts.

 

 


Day 5:

A time you thought about ending your own life:

I was 19 years of age, laying in my dorm room Spring Semester 2005 at SIUE and was depressed and crying because I was missing my mother who died when I was 16, trying to sort through being molested, trying to ignore and stop my attraction to women, failing ALLLLL of my classes at that time, and did not want to live anymore. I felt that it would have been easier to just end my life. I picked up a bottle of Tylenol, poured a bunch in my hand, and in walked my roommate as I was putting my hand to my mouth to swallow, more.. She knocked them out of my hand and then called a close friend of mine to tell him to get to our room immediately. That was a turning point for me. I went to counseling which did not help, I still had suicide thoughts but didn’t try to hurt myself. At that point in my life counseling didn’t stop me from thinking about slitting my wrists or swallowing pills…It actually made me what to end my life more, but the promise I made to God, myself, and friends at that time is what helped.

What about you? Have you ever thought about ending your life?

Want to find out more about the blog challenge? Check out Spoken Words & Thoughts


CubeClasses

Danyelle Little of  “The Cubicle Chick” is now having classes for those who need a little help on the direction of their business, blog, and life… They will be called “CubeClasses” and I just LOVE that name. She will be having the first two classes next month.

Thurs., May 17th, 2012- 6-8pm So I Have a Blog. Now What? Learn Six Crucial Steps You Need to Take to Create Traffic & Make Money on Your Blog.

Sat., May 19th, 2012 9-11am ‘Are You Afraid to Launch (Get that Business Off the Ground’).

I will be attending the one on Saturday because deep down I am afraid to launch… Fear must leave my life, mind, and vocabulary… Danyelle is a force that cannot be stopped!!!!  She’s fabulous and a wife with children so we young-ins who do not have a family per-say yet have not one excuse as to why we are steady talking about our dreams but not acting on them.

Check out her CubeClasses website for more information!!

 


Guest Post

Hey loves, I did a post on DMVculture yesterday about my life. It’s short and sweet to the point. I’ve never done a post so raw and real. I just let my hands do the typing and what came out is what I left. Please support and head to the site and not only read my post but other posts there. There is alot of information on the site…

The Link:

http://dmvculture.com/2012/embracing-who-you-are-by-javania-m-webb/

 


Do YOU need HELP?

For Suicidal Thoughts or Actions?

Do you know someone who has made suicidal comments recently or in the past?

If so please take the time out to read this post and HELP…..

                                                                                                  Image Source

As someone who tried to commit suicide to end the pain I was going through at the time (I thank God daily that  I did not succeed), I always want to help others who are feeling suicidal. I work at a crisis call center for individuals who are suicidal or homicidal. I go out into the community to prevent suicides.  At times it does not always work.  They are too far depressed or was not able to get help sooner.

If you know someone who has said anything to you Suicidal please call the hotline number 1-800-273-8255 to get them some help even if they protest. Suicide is nothing to make light of..

If someone is coming to you saying “odd” things or acting “odd” it is usually a cry for help. Don’t let that cry go unheard. Some individuals don’t want to come out and say the words be it embarrassment or shame. I know that if my college roommate hadn’t walked in when she did, life would be different for me. I never went to my friends and said that I wanted to commit suicide… I was “all smiles and jokes” hurting and rotting on the inside…

If YOU reading this is going through hard times and you want to commit suicide to end the pain I BEG you to try to get help first and know that whatever you are going through right now will get better. You have to work at it and be patient. Please call that hotline number, it’s 24/7 so someone will be there to talk to you any time of the day.

Remember someone loves you. And that someone should start with YOU.

 

Here are some links that you can read to get familiar with suicide:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm

http://healthmad.com/mental-health/myth-and-facts-about-suicide/

http://suicidehotlines.com/

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

That Suicidal Hotline Number again is 1-800-273-8255


Me, Myself, and I Circa 2005

Here is a paper I did Spring 2005… My second semester in college….. I was 19 and angry at the world.. The growth that I have done is AMAZING…

“Every year I ask myself, what do I want to change about me? It is always the same statement: I want to change my bad ass attitude.  It never fails; I will be nice or try   to act nice for about a good week; then I will back to my old ways giving any and everybody attitude.  So this year I made more than one New Year’s Resolution so I could at lease accomplish one.  The first one is of course to change my attitude, but that one can wait a while because my second one is to get off of academic probation.  This one will be the most challenging one because I messed up so early and I have a low grade point average.  I played around last semester and this is where I ended up feeling low and stupid and I will work harder than ever this semester so that I can earn a 3.0 grade point average and get out of the gutter.  I have to do this for me because I am the one who is suffering. I am the one who got me into this and I have to be the one to get myself out of it.

The first resolution will always be hard for me because people do not know what other people go through from day to day and when people jump to conclusions or say blurt things out it upsets me.  I am one of those girls that many always hear about with the bad attitude problem.  I have a major one and it will not be a good idea to get on my bad side because it will be over then.  When I try to be nice, it does not work.  I feel as if I am being phony, so I go back to the way I was, or stop trying to be nice.  Hopefully I will change for the better because I do not want the reputation of being “The Bitch”, but I also do not want the reputation of the soft girl that take anything.  Many say I will die from a heart attack and I do not want that; so maybe if I go to some anger management classes I will have a much better attitude.  I am the biggest baby on earth, but have the saddest attitude.  What kind of combination is that?

My second and most important New Year’s Resolution will be easy to achieve if I just sit down and focus for once in my life.  When I want something badly, I get it and I want so badly to get off of academic probation so all I have to do is do it and stop talking about it.  I am going to accomplish this by earning a 3.0 grade point average in all of my classes.  Studying is the big priority for me because I do not know how to study.  I never had to study until last semester and I see where that got me.  Going to tutoring whenever I need help will be hard for me.  My pride and ego is the cause of this. I am too big headed and need to know that it is okay to not understand a certain subject and not being ashamed to show it or tell.

My grades never struggled in high school the way they did last semester and it is very embarrassing to have to take a class over with the same teacher knowing that I slacked in her class.  Making this 3.0 grade point average will benefit my life so much because I will not be on academic probation anymore. I will be able to transfer if I still desire to do so next year.  Also, I will feel good about myself knowing I set a goal and achieved it, and it was dealing with school, and I did it with out a problem.  A person may not have any flaws on the outside.  They might not be visible, but that does not mean that they do not have any problems at all.  This is me, I am so messed up on the inside, and I know what I have to do to change what is wrong.  I have to start with the most important problem right now.  My education and whatever else will have to come second.”


Her Clarity; My Appreciation

I received an email from somone who wants to be annoymous thanking me for my blog… There are times when I think that people are reading or don’t care about what I have to say. Then there PLENTY of moments when I know that I am helping someone. Although I am not blogging for others, (I am blogging as an extension of my healing) when someone thanks me it lets me know that my healing and helping others heal is not in vain. I thank you all for reading my blog and leaving comments!! MUAH

Here is what she said:

“Your blog’s fascinating.  I contemplated suicide three years ago because I couldn’t figure out what to do after my mother (who I cared for) died.  I was in a deep depression and finally came to the point where I felt like my purpose on Earth was no longer necessary.  I debated between pills and a knife.  But instead I texted my bff who immediately came to my house and talked sense into me.  I got help from a wonderful psychologist and now I’m as happy and as whole as I can be.  There were some deeper issues that had to come out, as well as my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  Now I understand my life from a completely new perspective, and I’ve embraced the whole of who I am.  What my new purpose is…I haven’t a clue.  But I’m free to live the life I always wanted, and what my parents wanted for me”.


Meet LaChelle

Name and location: LaChelle, Minneapolis, MN

How old were you when you thought about committing suicide?

I was about 15 years old when the thoughts started. I went through a long sporadic period of severe depression in my teens.

Did you go through with your thinking?

No. I never actually attempted suicide.

Did you have a suicide plan? If yes, what was it?

Not necessarily. There would be times I would think to myself that I should just do it. Most times I would think of just slitting my wrists and sitting in a bathtub. I never thought about writing a note or anything like that.

What was the reason you wanted to commit suicide?

I believe that once you enter adolescence you fully gain consciousness of yourself and you become aware of who you are. You may not fully know yourself but emotionally you begin to be very aware of your feelings and your surroundings.  At the time my mother was on drugs and my father was absent like he had always been. Now, I could say those factors at that time were the sole reasons I had begun to think of suicide but I believe the issue was far more deep rooted and as mentioned before I only became conscious of my emotional issues when I entered adolescence. My mother being on drugs was not a new development; I just finally became fully aware that she was. She had been in and out of rehab from 1989 (the year after I was born) up until a few years ago and she has been sober ever since (which I am so grateful for). I never saw my mom do the drugs, she made it a point to keep that image of her away from me. The problem was that when a person is on drugs, the relationship they have with that drug is more important than any other relationship. Simply put, physically and monetarily my mother was always there for me but emotionally she was not, she just did not have the strength. I was not your stereotypical child of a drug addict. I never was in foster care or in the care of random people & relatives, I never went without food or clothing, I never had to deal with the embarrassment of everyone knowing my mother was a drug addict; it was pretty much hidden from the outside world. I can say now that I am so grateful for that and even impressed that my mother manage to take such good care of me while succumbing to her illness. What tainted me and caused me emotional pain for so many years was the lack of nurturing. I did not have story time with my mom, she didn’t come to my conferences, and I didn’t get in trouble if I had a bad grade. She missed out on soccer games, choir concerts and that type of thing. Sometimes she did make an effort but they always tended to be passive. It was hard seeing kids with moms that were so enthusiastic about what they had going on and my mom just seemed like she could care less. It was like no one took an interest to me. My mom would go to work, come home, cook me dinner and go into her room or watch TV for the remainder of the night. There was no togetherness in the household. On top of that, my sister was 11 years older than me and living outside of the home raising her own child at a young age, so growing up for me was very lonely. I did not feel important or that I was special. I was spoiled and showered with toys and nice clothes to compensate for the lack of emotional care. Another factor had to be the absence of my father and the amount of damage he did when he was there. He was always in and out of my life; it all depended on my mom’s willingness to be with him. He was abusive, he abused my mother for several years and he did not care who saw him do it. I have very vivid and frightening memories of him beating her.  In a sense, those early childhood memories made me who I am because I was not fully able to develop into a person before I was exposed to those kinds of things. Getting back to the point, in my teenage years I went through a huge insecure “why doesn’t anybody love me?” phase. That lack of nurturing and hostile environment had me seeking love in others rather than looking for love in myself first; I didn’t know any better. Negative emotions really fueled me at the time. I hated my mom, my dad, myself, my life. I thought that everything that happened was my fault. I was always in trouble at school for fighting because I knew there would be no consequences at home; my mother did not care. My mom had to go back to rehab while I was in high school and I basically lived alone while she was away. We ended up losing our house and having to move into an apartment; I had to live with my older sister and at my aunt’s house a few times. I was unstable in pretty much any way you could think of. I felt like I was a burden, like everyone’s life would be so much better if I was not there. It was a very dark time for me. I hated the way I looked. I thought that I was ugly and stupid. I mutilated myself by cutting which was partly a release and partly a punishment for being who I was. I remember being frustrated with myself for not having the courage to just do it. All the while no one had the slightest idea what was going on in my head and that I woke up wanting to die every day. There was a huge amount of shame living inside of me. I was ashamed of my mother, my father, my depression and myself for even being born. I was the only child of the 3 my parents conceived that survived child birth; I used to think “why didn’t I die like the rest of them?”

Are you thankful that you did not succeed?

Yes.  100% thankful. I wouldn’t be able to share my story with others. Moreover, I would have died not even realizing how great of a person I am. I’ve been blessed with so many gifts and so many wonderful people that I thank God for everyday. It’s truly amazing to me.

Have you gotten therapy to help you with your past suicidal thoughts?

I never went to therapy. The thoughts were all very internal. I would share thoughts with a boyfriend (who had severe emotional issues as well) but never family or close friends, I didn’t want them to judge me and label me as crazy. I think being a Black woman in general it’s hard to be able to discuss your emotions and feelings without being branded as an “Angry Black Woman”. I’ve been vulnerable with people in the past who just used it against me later as a way to judge me and that hurts a lot. If you cannot be vulnerable with people who claim to love you then who can you be vulnerable with?

If you could say something to your younger self, what would it be?

It gets better. The things you are going through do not make you any less worthy or special than the next person. Your struggles will make you stronger and eventually you will grow from them, learn and maybe even inspire someone else who is going through the same thing that you are now. You are smart you are beautiful you have so much to give. You don’t need the validation of anyone to know this, not your parents, your friends, a guy or anyone else. Hold your head high.

Have you talked to your family and friends about your past suicide thoughts and/or attempts?

I have not. In my family, it is really hard to speak on all of our pain because there are still some unresolved issues as far as people being able to get over things that happened. Things have definitely gotten better. My mom and I are closer now which is a huge accomplishment but I know there are still some scars left that each and every one of us is battling with each day. I just focus on finding peace individually. The past is the past. I would not change it for anything because it made me who I am now.

How can you help youth who are feeling suicidal, have tried to commit suicide, and did not succeed?

Let them know that they are not alone. Even if there is no one in their life to show them love or help them feel special there is someone who loves them unconditionally and that is God. If you’re feeling weak, pray. That is truly what got me through everything. Sure, I could have called a suicide intervention line and gotten some help but what people can’t do that God can is give you peace of mind. ALWAYS have faith in God, no matter how low you are feeling. If you have faith that things will get better then they WILL get better.

What is your mind frame now?

Right now I am happy with my life. It’s not perfect by any means. I get lonely, I get stressed and overwhelmed. I’m working on goals to better myself, emotionally, financially, etc. but I’m still content and at peace with my life. There’s nothing more that I want or need to make me feel happy or at peace, anything extra is just a bonus. There are still some emotional struggles I find myself battling every now and again but as of now I’m just focusing on nurturing this newfound peace of mind so I can live my life as positively and happily as possible.

How is your self-worth and self-esteem?

They are great. Overcoming those obstacles and seeing my mom go through some of the things she did really helped shape them. In addition to that I have been hurt by plenty of people and that also showed me what I do and do not want and how I would like to be treated. There are things I know I will never stand for because of what I went through in the past.

Anything else you want to tell us?

If you’re going through something and you feel alone, know that you are not. Someone has seen your struggle and that someone overcame it, you can too. Don’t compare your life to others; you’ll never be happy. If you have an idea of what you think life should be like, dead it; there is no way to determine how life is really supposed to be. Once you realize that life is not perfect, it will start feeling like it is. Accept and embrace your struggles, if you don’t they will become who you are. Learn as you go, learn as your grow.

Where can we find you on the web?

http://www.theeclectanista.tumblr.com