Reflecting on 26 Years. Happy J-Day to ME.

When I woke up this morning I immediately smiled because I started to thank God for bringing me through trials and tribulations that I have already gone though and for the future trials I will go through.  I am 26 years old and still young; I still have my WHOLE life ahead of me.

My theme for this year is FEARLESS.  Being FEARLESS in everything I do.

Not caring about what others may think of me.  I started my fearless mind-set Sunday night and I may have jumped in too fast but that is me!!!!  There will be times when I will mess up and I need and want to experience that so I will learn for future.  From being born to a mother who was addicted to drugs, a dad alcohol, being molested, feeling as if I was not worthy of love even though I had family tell me this daily, from being the small pimple faced young girl who got made fun of because of the severe acne I had and the smell of urine that was permanent…Then for having huge breasts…  Growing up in College Station and Austin Texas having two really good friends then being uprooted and moved back to Maywood Illinois…feeling out-of-place getting made fun of again, but having one friend to attached to me (we’re still friends to this day) to going to Proviso East and not wanting to be there and being put in honor classes my first year with juniors and seniors and learning about things I had NEVER heard of (sex and drugs). Wanting to tag along with my brother so I joined the Track team and met cool people. Figured out that track wasn’t for me and tried out for the cheerleading team and found my niche then being asked by my aunt to help her with the Maywood Bucs Cheerleading and this started my love for volunteer service…Loosing my mother at 16 years old and gaining my father back at 17(he’d been in jail for a longggg time)…Having a small pregnancy scare my senior year in High School…Coming to Southern Illinois University Edwardsville at 18 years of age and knowing no one but one person, I felt out of place and needy.. I started to miss home and have nightmares about my mom, I tried to commit suicide and did not succeed (thank God), I went to counseling on campus and it DID not work, I felt worse than I did before I went…I got into arguments and I lashed out at people who loved me…I was tired of having feelings for the same-sex but being afraid to act on them so I did my best to ignore them and forced myself to be into guys, came to a point where I realized my happiness was more important than pleasing others…I came out at 23 and I have loved every moment even the moments where I felt that I had defend myself (no more of that though, I live for ME) Graduated at 24 and moved back to Maywood for a short stint, hated it…Moved back to St. Louis and started working hard 24/7 on growing my business…I’ve met multiple people who have helped me and I am VERY thankful…Meeting a spiritual advisor who helped me more in two months of “counseling” that all of the other years of counseling I had…to breaking up with someone who meant (and still does) the world to me because we are not equally yoked…Moved to the South Side alone by myself and instead of feeling sorry for myself that I took this time to learn more about myself. I have grown so much in four months and I still have lots of growing to do…I may have lost three important people this summer, but I gained more people.

I say all this to say…

NEVER feel that you are NOT worthy…

NEVER feel like you are DUMB…

NEVER feel like you are a HINDERANCE…

NEVER feel like you have to FIT IN…

NEVER feel like you have to LIE ABOUT WHO YOU ARE…

NEVER feel like you have to LIVE FOR OTHERS…

If you EVER feel like this please go and talk to someone you trust or a counselor. Thank you for reflecting with me!

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