Helping vs. Condemning

Back in 2011 we learned of Amber Cole.

I found out about this 14 year old child who has been misguided and I took up for her like she was my little sister, cousin, or mentee. I did (and will do it again for someone else) so because grown women were calling her all types of names and saying that she “was a fast little (insert your derogatory word of choice)” I did not and still do not agree with those statements. Yes, she was filmed giving head to a young boy who was in her class outside and could have looked like she enjoyed it (I don’t know did not watch the video because I don’t feel that I should participate in watching child pornography)

 

Here are some reasons and questions as to why we know about her (and most importantly, why weren’t these students in school and why didn’t their prospective teachers notice they were missing):

 

  1. Ignorant little boys using technology and watching like it was a freak show.
  2. How has her life been so far growing up? Meaning was she molested, did she watch others have sex, was she taught about self-esteem, was she taught about self worth, did her mother tell her she betta not be fucking but she heard and saw her mother doing the same. All of these scenarios should be included into the fact that she was acting out for attention.
  3. Was she bullied or made fun of? This question matters because peer pressure is REAL in case none of you knew, also did this guy force her to come outside and give him head. Force? Yes, force meaning he would tell people that she did it when she really did not so she would still be made fun of and ostracized so she went ahead and did it. Now she is being called hoe/slut all over the United States.. (How soon do you GROWN people forget that you used to do the same activities.. Some of you gave head or was being fast and got caught kissing at school and was caught on the camera or you knew where the cameras were NOT placed and was able to get away with it. How about looking in the mirror before condemning this child)

 

Now let’s talk about solutions so that there will not be another Amber Cole in this technology advanced world.

  1. This is the number one way to help out our teens whom are misguided and look to the media whether it’s the television or internet for information. This is truer that you may want to admit. We have the boom of rappers talking about how they “banged some hoe” the night before.. have rappers talking about how “you can have whatever you like” but you gotta do something for it be it sex or begging. Think about how you can help one teen out instead of talking about how “fast they are”
  2. Blogging about positive things and posting it for teens to see. Going to places where they are and cutting out sheets of paper with your blog site, giving them five reasons why they should visit. If you draw them in, you will have their attention. Reading about self-worth, self-esteem, healthy relationships, safe sex, physical fitness, and etc will be a great outlet for them.
  3. Stop posting sex-a-pades and tips for teens to see. Not saying you cannot be who you are, but limiting this can be a huge help for them. Remember me saying that the internet is where they are going for information.
  4. Speaking about how to have healthy sex and relationships and talk about abstinence but NOT just that. Telling a 16 year old that they should not have sex is just like telling your 28-year-old self that you can’t have a cupcake. It is going o happen so instead of ignoring it, how about we provide healthy avenues for them to come and ask questions.

All of these tips work, I know from experience have younger cousins and two mentees. When you are a positive light you will draw individuals to you and our teens need more positive avenues. They are not seeing enough, they have stressors coming across their eyes daily, from not being “cute” enough, “skinny” enough, “popular” enough, “smart” enough when in reality these life lessons should be coming from home. BUT they are not. Therefore, WE as a community has to step in to help. Think about being apart of the solution and not problem.


FAITH

When you believe without fear many doors will open for you.  There has been many times where I felt that I did not know what I was doing where I was going, and plain ole stressing about day-to-day expenses.  Since I have learned to stop stressing things have been better for me. BUT my ego and pride was hurting me with out me knowing it.. Since I let go of stress AND my Ego, Pride I have not been as sick and I am happier about living.  Stressing brings about many issues that you wouldn’t realize until after you have gone through that time.  I was raised to be very independent and at times I have to look at myself and shake my head because of the things I struggled with alone that I do not have to.  I firmly believe that when your ego and pride prevents you from asking for simple things the universe makes it harder for you.

I will give you a real example from my life:

Last month I had my rent, when to turn in my rent check and then left to go work out.  While drive I was hearing this loud noise coming from the left back side while my car was moving but would stop when I was not moving.  When I got to my friends house I got out to look at the back of my car my tire was flat with this biggggg ole piece of metal in my tire.. I immediately was like, geez if it is not one thing it is another.

But I did NOT stress, I just took it with stride.  I was calm and felt that I couldn’t not do anything about it then, so to just keep it moving and worked-out.  Even when I went to a mechanic, and they could not patch it because the hole was too big I remained calm. I was sent to another mechanic and they were able to help me. A patch was $15 and a used tired was $40. I got the used tire because that metal ripped my tire on the inside. When it came time to pay, I handed the mechanic one of my credit cards, that card was declined.  I then gave him another credit card that card was declined as well. I gave him another credit card and that card was declined.  I was like damn, three credit cards and none are going through… my thought was “well my rent check will bounce”.  I handed him my debit card. Then started stressing because I did not have any extra money to pay for this tire. After I left I called my apartment complex to see if they could hold my rent check because I was going to get paid on that coming Wednesday… They have a check scanner and had already scanned my rent check. I was trying to figure out where I could get $4 from. I went through my change and did not have it, looked through old purses and wallets and could not find four dollars..

Through out this whole process the thought of calling my family NEVER crossed my mind.  I cried myself to sleep that night,  woke up, and THEN thought about what family member I was going to call for help.  Didn’t want to call my brother because he had just helped me pay a minimum balance for one of the credit cards that was declined. I called one of my aunts and asked for $4.  My aunt was like why would you just ask for $4, and my response was that is all I need auntie.  We talked and I then sent her my bank information.

That one phone call stressed me out to the point where I was feeling like a failure for not having $4.  Simply because my ego and pride was too big to pick up the phone and call home, I also learned a valuable lesson.

The devil has a way of holding you back when you are not humble. Now I have been yelled and fussed at on numerous occasions about now calling on family when I need something.  When your pride is bigger than life because you don’t want to seem like “whatever” God will being you back to a reality that you don’t understand while you are going through whatever you are going through.

Plain and simple I was embarrassed.

 But WHY?

I felt that I should be at a place in my life where I should not have to call and ask for help or money.  Well…… truthfully I NEVER call and ask for help.

I just suffer.

I just starve.

Until my next payday…. Which is a little extreme.. I NOW know this..

Once I figured out that I was suffering and struggling as much as I was because of my ego and pride I vowed to stop.

Here are the steps I took (disclaimer, this is how I got over MY issues, this may not work for you but feel free to use them if you want):

  • Prayer. Once I prayed to God asking him to take my ego and pride from me I have been responding and reacting to situations differently.
  • Practice. I started practicing on how I would ask for help when I NEEDED said help.  I made up scenarios and practiced how I would react.
  • Reassurance real like events.  Something happened day after day and that is how I got my conformation that I needed to let that ego and pride go for good.

My faith is getting stronger daily and I know that there is reason behind this.  I am so thankful for the learning I am being provided.  When you are going through trials you may not understand at the time, but after those trials are done. YOU will see and understand.

What stress and struggle have you forced onto yourself? How did you overcome and stop bringing pain onto yourself?


LGBTQ vs. LGBTQ

Here is the guest post I did for Nicole Clark Read, Enjoy, and Comment

LGBTQ vs. LGBTQ

Stud on Stud

Femme on Femme

Stud on Femme

Transman on Femme

Transwoman on Stud

Stud on Transman

NEWSFLASH… IT DOES NOT MATTER…

Fighting.   Fighting because someone looked at your “lady” too long at the club.

Fighting because someone bumped into you and didn’t apologize at the club.

Fighting because your “lady” is flip at the mouth.

Fighting because your “lady” forced you to pop her ass because she kept badgering you.

Hate.  Hate because no one understands you.

Hate because you are tired of explaining why you love women.

Hate because someone else is doing better than you.

Hate because you are tired of being looked over.

These examples are simply real and not the end of the problems present in the LGBTQ community.

We are fighting heterosexuals, our family, our employers, AND our brothers and sisters who are just like us.   WHY though?   With all of the reports of gays being bullied, stalked, and killed because of being different one would think that we would stick together and love one another despite the differences we share sans our sexual orientation.

I remember hearing “just because one is gay, that does not mean they want to talk or be friends with someone else who is also gay” this statement is an understatement. Even though I do not like to admit… that statement makes sense…. To those who are close-minded and don’t want to think outside of the box. In the same regards…..the same goes for heterosexuals…..

However, heterosexuals have rights when it comes to the ones they love, they can get married, and be on their wife’s or husbands insurance at work etc.

Homosexuals cannot.

The “National Black Justice Coalition” (NBJC) is the leading organization that represents African Americans in the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgendered, and Queer community. NBJC is fighting for us, fighting old stereotypes and traditions.  They are going into the Schools, Churches, and HBCU Universities to get equal rights.  They are also fighting the GOVERNMENT.  These fights matter… Not the fighting that’s done because you have self-hatred that some chooses to spread among others.

Go look in the mirror to see who you are, really look deep because YOU have to live with whomever you are.  If you don’t like who you are then start fighting and hating THAT person…not someone who has done nothing to you.. While fighting the person you want to get ride of.. dig, dig, and dig to bring out a better person.    We must stop fighting each other because we cannot fight for our rights and ourselves as the same time. Spewing hate is the number one way to isolate yourself. When no one wants to be around you anymore, realize that it was you.

I challenge you to go on a positive journey starting RIGHT now and leave all of the hate and fighting behind you, it’s never too late to start over.  Here are some links where you can start to become a positive non hating/fighting individual:

http://pamshouseblend.firedoglake.com

http://www.nbjc.org

http://www.studology101.tv

http://imgaynowwhat.com

Thanks for reading, share with your friends and family. Go ahead and take baby steps to not become one of the LGBTQ members spreading hate…


NO MORE DRAMA..

Source

Yesterday I failed.

I failed at ignoring drama and ignorance.

It would be easy to blame the other parties but I  HAD the control to ignore or answer.

I chose to answer.

I am mad at myself for choosing to do so.

 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em328ua_Lo8&ob=av2e]

 

When you know yourself it is important to trust yourself to do the right things and at times we do not do that.  We say naw, I can handle it knowing fully that we cannot. I know who I am and people who chose to think that they know me can continue to do so.  I know that I have to get away from negativity and STAY away from it. Not just when it benefits me. No… Once you fall into the trap of negativity it is hard to get out until it is too late. That is what happened to me.   Hurt people spew hurt. And the truth of the matter when it comes to some past relationships I am hurt.

Questions I have had to ask myself over the past day:

WHY am I still hurt?

Why am I wanting to carry and hold on to this hurt?

Why I am I choosing to continue to go back and forth?

If I am over it then I am over it, someone saying something should mean NOTHING.

When words are spoken in a direct way to get you riled up think before you react and speak. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words and my actions are out on display.  I am human, I know how I am (sensitive as ever) and I know when I should log off on the internet instead of spewing back the hate.

Yesterday “Black Girls Rock” aired and I was on a high from the positivity flowing but then I saw some negative and went the other way and forgot all about the positive vibes and energy I’d been in all day.

How does that make me look?

I say to myself and you who is reading… if you feel yourself going a direction you KNOW that you should not be going STOP. DROP. and LOG OFF.

There is nothing more embarrassing than reading your reactions to what you could have ignored the previous night.

Don’t let this be you.

This is the LAST time that this will be me..

 


Complete Review “No Secrets, No Lies”

No Secrets No Lies: How Black Families Can Health from Sexual Abuse  Author Robin D. Stone

I recently did a post about this book and I was half-way through reading, you can read the beginning here.

I have had this in my draft for the past two weeks because I was afraid. I would be lying if I said that others words didn’t hurt me. THEY DO.  I do the best I can at protecting my mind but sometimes the negativity gets through.

This book was and IS GREAT for anyone but especially someone who was molested, raped, or assaulted as a child .

This book is why I changed my research paper topic because I want to read more about how others have dealt with being sexually assaulted, raped, molested as well.  As I read this book I saw that I had a lot in common with the respondents and even the writer Robin D. Stone. She went through interviews and even talked to perpetrators who committed these crimes against children at the time.  I also, was a child when I was molested by three different people and I saw myself in just about every woman AND one of the men she talked to.

If you are someone who was molested, raped, or assaulted as a child or adult I suggest you going to the library to read this book because she goes into detail on how to get healed.  I never knew that some people use dance or art as a way to heal.  I have only known about therapy and writing which are the two methods I have been using. I want to start using dancing as a way to heal also.  When you are a young child and you are being touched you like the feeling but in the back of your mind you know you shouldn’t…you start to feel dirty and grow up thinking that you and your body is dirty.  I thought this as well.

I am just starting to REALLY loving my body and what I see. I used to hate looking in the mirror because then I would imagine what the “men” used to do to me and then I would start crying and then I would get pissed. Make no mistake..I have always loved looking in the mirror but I avoided my eyes, I would not look into my eyes because I was afraid of what I would see.

Stone has eight chapters… breaks the chapters down on how you can help yourself as well and how others can help family members. Remember though, you are responsible for your own health. She has provided plenty of resources for and how to get healed.  She gives tips on how to forgive and you know that you must forgive for YOURSELF not the other person. The person that molested, raped, or assaulted you most likely is not thinking about you…but you are worrying yourself to death over what happened. That is not true healing, it’s putting a band-aid on a wound that will soon come off once it gets old.

If you really want to heal please find someone to help you..

Some types of healing include dance, drawing, group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, music, writing, praying, spiritual counselors and etc. One of the statements that she said that is sticking with me is how you go about choosing who you want to help you.  If you do not feel a connection with someone end the services and keep it moving.

It is no secret that I have been in and out of therapy my whole life, but NOW I am truly healing because the spiritual counselor who is helping me heal happens to be a perfect match for myself and what I need at the moment.  She does not sit across from me judging or try to pretend that she knows exactly how I felt during the lows of my life.  She uses different methods that requires me to REALLY think and be ready for healing.  She would give me assignments and I would be mad at the time but then I would be hugging and thanking her the next time I saw her.  So if you too have been affected in any way and you are still holding on to the hurt…..

PLEASE I beg of you.

GET HELP..

When you go through life holding on to the past you are holding and keeping yourself in the past.  I no longer choose to hold myself back from the blessings that I will receive. I face my problems head on. I am no longer embarrassed by having to get help or advice from others. We could all stand for some one on one healing action.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a comment on how you decide to heal.  Until next time.


No Secrets No Lies


I let this book sit in my amazon cart for three months because I was afraid to read what it said. As someone who has and is still dealing with sexual abuse in the family I knew this book would hit home.  I kept telling myself that I did not need to read it because I already knew what it would say, and I felt that it would lead me into a depression. I would also tell myself that I can just look in the mirror and see the effects of being molested as a child.

I like to consider myself being an open book, but I have not shared with you all the worst part of self sabotaging while in college.  Yes, I have shared that I tried to commit suicide in college but the spiral I went down afterwards.  I was free and I “prided” myself on being strong. Strong I was not, I was running and hiding from a lot and I felt that I could hide it more by participating in sex.  I felt that if I continually had sex with guys my attraction to women would go away.

So have sex I did, and I would sit in my bed crying myself to sleep after having sex, not because I was having sex out-of-wedlock but because I was trying to avoid the reality of the situation. I would feel disgusted with myself and I hated looking the mirror and I projected my insecurities onto others.  I would lie to friends about what I was doing and I would get into arguments with roommates so that I could be left alone. To me facing reality and dealing with others meant that I would have to tell the truth to myself and that is not something I felt comfortable doing. My school work suffered, I gained MANY pounds. Food and alcohol became my therapy and I acted as if everything was okay, until my world came crashing down.

I am halfway through this book and will do a full review after I am done. I am LOVING what I am reading so far. I have had a couple of sad times, but the will final story for me and these women in the book will not end in sadness but empowerment.