Being True to Who YOU Are

Since I’ve been blogging one thing has been consistent… the same… Doing the best I can to be and embrace who I am, not what others feel what or who I should be.

My second workshop title was “Embracing Who You Are”

We talked about getting and becoming comfortable with yourself. If you feel that you have to hide the real you then whats the real issue? I am real good about expressing my views and who I am with friends and strangers…but when it comes to family, I get all quiet tuck my tail and walk away from the issue.. I can no longer continue to do so. I also should not feel like I have to continue to fight with and defend who I am to ANYONE… I am growing and coming into my own.. This topic can transfer to many topics and different relationships.

Communication is important but is difficult…. if you have not been taught how to properly communicate…

PLEASE don’t take that as you do not learn. make sure if you do not know how to communicate, you take that in strides and learn…

If you feel like you cannot be yourself around people, or feel that you have to explain you to others stop and look inside to figure out why.  Once grown, you don’t have to answer to anyone… Remember that!

How do you deal with being your true self no matter what?

Jessie J singing Who YOU ARE acoustic ….a  song that I LOVE soooooo much… Listen to the words. Please..

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgMD6btCP1M]


Pariah Review

Saint Louis finally got the movie… a couple of friends and I went on opening day… Not many people were there, I’ll say a good 20 people…… that’s pushing it. Of course there were more white people than African American… this is a movie that I feel everyone should see no matter your sexual orientation, however, I do feel that LBGTQ’s needs to see it more….These words are my opinions, please go watch the movie for yourself to get a better understanding.

Pariah:

http://focusfeatures.com/pariah/photos

Alike–played by Adepero Oduye, a young African American woman, senior year of high school, and apart of a family that is full of silent dysfunction.

Which starts with her parents.

Mother Audrey—played by Kim Wayans is overbearing and controlling.

Father Arthur—played by Charles Parnell non-existent because he does not want to be with mother. He’s a police officer and uses that to his advantage, and is never home.

Alike’s younger sister Sharonda—played by Sahra Melesse is the “prodigal” child according to her mother.. she happens to love being a “girl” …

Alike is identifying to be more masculine.

Alikes close friend, Laura—played by Pernell Walker a stud… who is in love with Alike but refuses to tell her (I was able to sense some liking from the first interaction).

Alike’s mother Audrey does not like Laura because she feels that she is influencing her in a negative way.  Audrey is odd, she has issues communicating, in a scene while she was at work on lunch, she is very uncomfortable being around people.  I believe it’s because of low and lack of self-esteem that she never handled from the past, plus having to deal with her husband cheating but not wanting to divorce, add that with her two children being aggravated with her.

Alike mother forces her to become friends with one of her co-workers daughter Bina—played by Aasha Davis, Audrey thinks Bina will have a “positive” influence on Alike… Bina however, is a wild child.  So much so that Bina ends up being Alike’s first and breaking her heart, because she just wanted to chill and have sex.  Even though Alike’s feelings were hurt, that moment was all of the confirmation that she needed.  She knew from that first kiss that the feelings she’d been having were indeed real.

Alike acknowledged that she was a lesbian.  She found her voice.

Her mother proceeds to beat her, Alike packs up some clothes and goes to stay with Laura.  Audrey goes on with life as if nothing happened and the next scene while they are eating dinner Sharonda mentions to her father that he needs to go find Alike.  Alike finds out that she can graduate high school early, and asks her father to sign the paperwork.  Alike goes to her mother’s job to tell her she loved her and to let her know of her plans, Audrey acts as if she is not there, and tells her she will pray for her then walks away.  Alike moves across country to attend a prestigious college writing program..

This film hits on many issues in the African American family..acting as if everything is alright when deep down you know it’s not. Numerous stereotypes are throughout this movie. Some of the stereotypes maybe true for some, but false for others. The point is light being shown on the issues in our families. Homosexuality is not a disease and I do not feel that it is wrong.  God made me and I know for a fact that he did not make any mistakes when he designed me. I know that the family issues when it comes to acknowledging your child is “different” and not going the way you want them to go are in my family. I have talked openly about how my family has responded to me coming out, although I have not been disowned, they have moments when the words they let come out of their mouth equate to diarrhea.  I have no control over that so I continue to live my life.. As it would be pleasing to God, not man.

Website link again… http://focusfeatures.com/pariah


Do YOU need HELP?

For Suicidal Thoughts or Actions?

Do you know someone who has made suicidal comments recently or in the past?

If so please take the time out to read this post and HELP…..

                                                                                                  Image Source

As someone who tried to commit suicide to end the pain I was going through at the time (I thank God daily that  I did not succeed), I always want to help others who are feeling suicidal. I work at a crisis call center for individuals who are suicidal or homicidal. I go out into the community to prevent suicides.  At times it does not always work.  They are too far depressed or was not able to get help sooner.

If you know someone who has said anything to you Suicidal please call the hotline number 1-800-273-8255 to get them some help even if they protest. Suicide is nothing to make light of..

If someone is coming to you saying “odd” things or acting “odd” it is usually a cry for help. Don’t let that cry go unheard. Some individuals don’t want to come out and say the words be it embarrassment or shame. I know that if my college roommate hadn’t walked in when she did, life would be different for me. I never went to my friends and said that I wanted to commit suicide… I was “all smiles and jokes” hurting and rotting on the inside…

If YOU reading this is going through hard times and you want to commit suicide to end the pain I BEG you to try to get help first and know that whatever you are going through right now will get better. You have to work at it and be patient. Please call that hotline number, it’s 24/7 so someone will be there to talk to you any time of the day.

Remember someone loves you. And that someone should start with YOU.

 

Here are some links that you can read to get familiar with suicide:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm

http://healthmad.com/mental-health/myth-and-facts-about-suicide/

http://suicidehotlines.com/

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

That Suicidal Hotline Number again is 1-800-273-8255


2011 In Review

Me in March 2011.

Happy.

Sad.

Monumental.

Gazillion of lessons.

Lost friendships.

Gained friendships.

Ended a relationship that never should have been.

Semi-Rekindled a relationship with a close family member.

Met some women.

One is a potential.

Got a couple of jobs (PT but helpful nonetheless).

Decided that I am not going to pigeonhole myself to stay here in St. Louis.. I am single with no dependents.

Hosted two events… One here in Saint Louis and another in Chicago:

“Embracing Who You Are”

“Youth Self-Empowerment”

Learned my niche and how to stay in my lane.

Was apart of “Embrace The Skin You’re In” hosted by Brittany “Miss Fitt Britt’ Ramsey.

Got burned by people using me and stealing ideas.

Placed myself into some financial troubles.

Went to Florida to see my nieces, oldest brother and sister in law.

Watched my older younger brother complete one of his biggest dreams (Becoming a Police Officer).

Got the EIN number for my business.

Met and interviewed Lisa Price.

Met and got business advice from Rae Lewis Thornton *Sad that I don’t have a picture :-(.

Was apart of a great movement “Show Me The Blog” birthed by Danyelle Little.

Met and Stanned for Miss Robbie of Sweetie Pies.

Gained three mentoring clients.

Became apart of a movement “I’m Gay Now What” which is a mentoring Non Profit for LGBTQ Teens.

Did a guest post on a national blog Nicole Clark about “Hate in the LGBTQ Comminity”.

Applied for Graduation and will be walking across the stage May 11, 2012.

 

Me December 2011

I came into my own this year. I love who I am and no one can take that away…

Always make sure that you learn from the lessons that you go through in your life. Good or bad, there is always a message.

I want to take the time out to thank you all for reading and supporting my blog. I started this blog on WordPress in August got way over the amount of views that I expected. That means a lot to me and you all can expect more blog posts (not gonna say daily) from me in the new year….

Love you all, God Bless and Happy Early New Year.

 

XoXo, Javania


Eyes Circa 2008

Here is another post I did in 2008 sometime…

When I look into your eyes, what do I see?

I see sadness of hurt from your past relationships;

I also see longing, in your eyes you wanting to love me

But not knowing how

 or wanting to get hurt;

But at times you see the same pain in my eyes,

Only I will not allow you to get close.

My heart is wounded; it just needs a little time to heal;

From all of the disappointment and frustration

Of needing and wanting to be loved,

But not knowing how to ask or receive it


Mentoring OUR Youth

When you sit back and think back to the years when you were in grade school through high school, what do you remember the most? DO you remember bullying, having sex in the corner stairwell hall, being made fun of because you didn’t have the “in” clothes, getting good grades, tutoring or getting tutored, being mentored by someone older ??

Now think about where you are now, and the conversations that your sisters, cousins, brothers, nephews, or nieces are having?

Are you worried that they are getting the wrong information?

I am… and I mentor..

When a teenager asks ‘What does fucking feel like” what should you say?  I can remember thinking about questions like this when I was a teenager.  I remember hearing my auntie telling me that sex is emotional and feels great when it is with the right person.  So again… what should we tell our young ladies when they ask questions like the one above?

 

Other questions I have been asked:

Can you take me to get an abortion?

Can you buy me some condoms?

Can you tell my mom that I am NOT having sex if she asks you?

What does getting and giving head feel like?

Is it okay to reuse condoms?

I thought sex is supposed to feel good, why does it hurt?

 

YOU get the point.. and these are questions from teens who are actively having sex and they are confused about the whole idea of having sex..

 

I have been mentoring since I was 15 with the neighborhood cheerleading team under my Aunt who was the head coach.  These girls were asking me questions about sex that I’d never heard of.. they just assumed that I knew and I am sure I led them the wrong way a couple of times. Butttt it was good to have older friends and to be smart. See I was in honor courses and the upperclassmen were in just about all of my classes soooo I learned and took notes… I first found out about orgasms, oral sex, SEX, and more SEX…You get the picture..(I truly don’t know if that was a good or bad thing..)

 

ANYWHOO…

 

When mentoring a young woman it is your job to provide her with the correct tools and mind frame to help her along her way.  I talk, do activities, give homework (and expect it to be done), and spend time.  I am consistent with them, and I let them know that nothing is off limits, meaning no questions or topics are too personal.  The purpose of me mentoring young women is to help shape and mold them into honest women of our future.  Our youth is hurting tremendously.. and Amber Cole is not the first teen to do something that her boyfriend asked of her because she thought she was in love, teens and “adults” do these type of behaviors daily. BUT the question is WHY are our teens feeling like they must give head or have sex to fit in.

 

I know that I am in the minority when I say that children should be sheltered… my grandmother raised me that way and I believe I came out just fine, of course I had a little bumps along the way, but her strictness was for the better. I grew up in Chicago…we know about the statistics for STDs, STIs, HIV/AIDS there..  I know live in St. Louis and the rates are astronomical in the high schools. These rates will NOT leave until we get real about mentoring, and teaching our teens safe sex and abstinence.

Think about how you can help a teenager out, and make sure that they are going to be prepared for this world that we are living in..

 

Thank you for reading..


Meet LaChelle

Name and location: LaChelle, Minneapolis, MN

How old were you when you thought about committing suicide?

I was about 15 years old when the thoughts started. I went through a long sporadic period of severe depression in my teens.

Did you go through with your thinking?

No. I never actually attempted suicide.

Did you have a suicide plan? If yes, what was it?

Not necessarily. There would be times I would think to myself that I should just do it. Most times I would think of just slitting my wrists and sitting in a bathtub. I never thought about writing a note or anything like that.

What was the reason you wanted to commit suicide?

I believe that once you enter adolescence you fully gain consciousness of yourself and you become aware of who you are. You may not fully know yourself but emotionally you begin to be very aware of your feelings and your surroundings.  At the time my mother was on drugs and my father was absent like he had always been. Now, I could say those factors at that time were the sole reasons I had begun to think of suicide but I believe the issue was far more deep rooted and as mentioned before I only became conscious of my emotional issues when I entered adolescence. My mother being on drugs was not a new development; I just finally became fully aware that she was. She had been in and out of rehab from 1989 (the year after I was born) up until a few years ago and she has been sober ever since (which I am so grateful for). I never saw my mom do the drugs, she made it a point to keep that image of her away from me. The problem was that when a person is on drugs, the relationship they have with that drug is more important than any other relationship. Simply put, physically and monetarily my mother was always there for me but emotionally she was not, she just did not have the strength. I was not your stereotypical child of a drug addict. I never was in foster care or in the care of random people & relatives, I never went without food or clothing, I never had to deal with the embarrassment of everyone knowing my mother was a drug addict; it was pretty much hidden from the outside world. I can say now that I am so grateful for that and even impressed that my mother manage to take such good care of me while succumbing to her illness. What tainted me and caused me emotional pain for so many years was the lack of nurturing. I did not have story time with my mom, she didn’t come to my conferences, and I didn’t get in trouble if I had a bad grade. She missed out on soccer games, choir concerts and that type of thing. Sometimes she did make an effort but they always tended to be passive. It was hard seeing kids with moms that were so enthusiastic about what they had going on and my mom just seemed like she could care less. It was like no one took an interest to me. My mom would go to work, come home, cook me dinner and go into her room or watch TV for the remainder of the night. There was no togetherness in the household. On top of that, my sister was 11 years older than me and living outside of the home raising her own child at a young age, so growing up for me was very lonely. I did not feel important or that I was special. I was spoiled and showered with toys and nice clothes to compensate for the lack of emotional care. Another factor had to be the absence of my father and the amount of damage he did when he was there. He was always in and out of my life; it all depended on my mom’s willingness to be with him. He was abusive, he abused my mother for several years and he did not care who saw him do it. I have very vivid and frightening memories of him beating her.  In a sense, those early childhood memories made me who I am because I was not fully able to develop into a person before I was exposed to those kinds of things. Getting back to the point, in my teenage years I went through a huge insecure “why doesn’t anybody love me?” phase. That lack of nurturing and hostile environment had me seeking love in others rather than looking for love in myself first; I didn’t know any better. Negative emotions really fueled me at the time. I hated my mom, my dad, myself, my life. I thought that everything that happened was my fault. I was always in trouble at school for fighting because I knew there would be no consequences at home; my mother did not care. My mom had to go back to rehab while I was in high school and I basically lived alone while she was away. We ended up losing our house and having to move into an apartment; I had to live with my older sister and at my aunt’s house a few times. I was unstable in pretty much any way you could think of. I felt like I was a burden, like everyone’s life would be so much better if I was not there. It was a very dark time for me. I hated the way I looked. I thought that I was ugly and stupid. I mutilated myself by cutting which was partly a release and partly a punishment for being who I was. I remember being frustrated with myself for not having the courage to just do it. All the while no one had the slightest idea what was going on in my head and that I woke up wanting to die every day. There was a huge amount of shame living inside of me. I was ashamed of my mother, my father, my depression and myself for even being born. I was the only child of the 3 my parents conceived that survived child birth; I used to think “why didn’t I die like the rest of them?”

Are you thankful that you did not succeed?

Yes.  100% thankful. I wouldn’t be able to share my story with others. Moreover, I would have died not even realizing how great of a person I am. I’ve been blessed with so many gifts and so many wonderful people that I thank God for everyday. It’s truly amazing to me.

Have you gotten therapy to help you with your past suicidal thoughts?

I never went to therapy. The thoughts were all very internal. I would share thoughts with a boyfriend (who had severe emotional issues as well) but never family or close friends, I didn’t want them to judge me and label me as crazy. I think being a Black woman in general it’s hard to be able to discuss your emotions and feelings without being branded as an “Angry Black Woman”. I’ve been vulnerable with people in the past who just used it against me later as a way to judge me and that hurts a lot. If you cannot be vulnerable with people who claim to love you then who can you be vulnerable with?

If you could say something to your younger self, what would it be?

It gets better. The things you are going through do not make you any less worthy or special than the next person. Your struggles will make you stronger and eventually you will grow from them, learn and maybe even inspire someone else who is going through the same thing that you are now. You are smart you are beautiful you have so much to give. You don’t need the validation of anyone to know this, not your parents, your friends, a guy or anyone else. Hold your head high.

Have you talked to your family and friends about your past suicide thoughts and/or attempts?

I have not. In my family, it is really hard to speak on all of our pain because there are still some unresolved issues as far as people being able to get over things that happened. Things have definitely gotten better. My mom and I are closer now which is a huge accomplishment but I know there are still some scars left that each and every one of us is battling with each day. I just focus on finding peace individually. The past is the past. I would not change it for anything because it made me who I am now.

How can you help youth who are feeling suicidal, have tried to commit suicide, and did not succeed?

Let them know that they are not alone. Even if there is no one in their life to show them love or help them feel special there is someone who loves them unconditionally and that is God. If you’re feeling weak, pray. That is truly what got me through everything. Sure, I could have called a suicide intervention line and gotten some help but what people can’t do that God can is give you peace of mind. ALWAYS have faith in God, no matter how low you are feeling. If you have faith that things will get better then they WILL get better.

What is your mind frame now?

Right now I am happy with my life. It’s not perfect by any means. I get lonely, I get stressed and overwhelmed. I’m working on goals to better myself, emotionally, financially, etc. but I’m still content and at peace with my life. There’s nothing more that I want or need to make me feel happy or at peace, anything extra is just a bonus. There are still some emotional struggles I find myself battling every now and again but as of now I’m just focusing on nurturing this newfound peace of mind so I can live my life as positively and happily as possible.

How is your self-worth and self-esteem?

They are great. Overcoming those obstacles and seeing my mom go through some of the things she did really helped shape them. In addition to that I have been hurt by plenty of people and that also showed me what I do and do not want and how I would like to be treated. There are things I know I will never stand for because of what I went through in the past.

Anything else you want to tell us?

If you’re going through something and you feel alone, know that you are not. Someone has seen your struggle and that someone overcame it, you can too. Don’t compare your life to others; you’ll never be happy. If you have an idea of what you think life should be like, dead it; there is no way to determine how life is really supposed to be. Once you realize that life is not perfect, it will start feeling like it is. Accept and embrace your struggles, if you don’t they will become who you are. Learn as you go, learn as your grow.

Where can we find you on the web?

http://www.theeclectanista.tumblr.com

 

 

 


NO MORE DRAMA..

Source

Yesterday I failed.

I failed at ignoring drama and ignorance.

It would be easy to blame the other parties but I  HAD the control to ignore or answer.

I chose to answer.

I am mad at myself for choosing to do so.

 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em328ua_Lo8&ob=av2e]

 

When you know yourself it is important to trust yourself to do the right things and at times we do not do that.  We say naw, I can handle it knowing fully that we cannot. I know who I am and people who chose to think that they know me can continue to do so.  I know that I have to get away from negativity and STAY away from it. Not just when it benefits me. No… Once you fall into the trap of negativity it is hard to get out until it is too late. That is what happened to me.   Hurt people spew hurt. And the truth of the matter when it comes to some past relationships I am hurt.

Questions I have had to ask myself over the past day:

WHY am I still hurt?

Why am I wanting to carry and hold on to this hurt?

Why I am I choosing to continue to go back and forth?

If I am over it then I am over it, someone saying something should mean NOTHING.

When words are spoken in a direct way to get you riled up think before you react and speak. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words and my actions are out on display.  I am human, I know how I am (sensitive as ever) and I know when I should log off on the internet instead of spewing back the hate.

Yesterday “Black Girls Rock” aired and I was on a high from the positivity flowing but then I saw some negative and went the other way and forgot all about the positive vibes and energy I’d been in all day.

How does that make me look?

I say to myself and you who is reading… if you feel yourself going a direction you KNOW that you should not be going STOP. DROP. and LOG OFF.

There is nothing more embarrassing than reading your reactions to what you could have ignored the previous night.

Don’t let this be you.

This is the LAST time that this will be me..

 


Meet Cheryl Mapp

Cheryl N. Mapp, Westchester IL

CNicole’s Chest is the name of my business

1. What is your passion in life?

It is to help others in any way possible.

2. What is your current job?

I’m currently unemployed

3. Do you own your own business? If so, what is the name and the mission?

I’m starting my own accessory line. My mission is to glamorize ladies one piece at a time.

4. Did you have any fears when first starting your business?

Yes, start up cost and if the business will be successful.

5. Did you have any insecurities when first starting your own business?

No, I know they products I produce are quality, and I’m proud to share them with others.

6. Describe your brand in one word.

Unique

7. Do you have any past failures that you can tell what you did to learn from them?

No, I’m new to this.

8. Who are your target consumers? Would you want to change this?

Women ages 15 to 50. No I would keep it the same. I want to make pieces for all are groups.

9. What inspires you?

The thought of successfully owning my own business.

10. Who inspires you?

My line sister. She just started her own online boutique.

11. What is always at the back of your mind?

Monies to finance the business, I want to use my own money. I don’t want to take out any loans.

12. What do you want to change about your job or career right now?

N/A

13. What advice do you have for others?

Follow your heart; don’t let others negative inputs deter what you want to do.

14. How do you motivate yourself?

The fact of me working for my self motivates me.

15. Did you have any obstacles that you overcame to get to where you are now?

Working with someone else who did not have the same passion as I do. I’m no longer working with anyone.

16. Where can we find you on the web?

For now facebook.com/cnmapp I’m currently working on a website.


Pushing PAST the hurt

I am a very emotional person who trys to build walls up to protect me from unwanted hurt. People who have known me for a while can see beyond those walls and know when something is up with me. I have been down lately because I am about to be 26 years old (October 4) and feel as if I have done nothing.  (I mean I have done some THINGS but follow me before you throw my same talks back at me)

Growing up I always wanted to be married and have children (two to be exact) by 25. Well that won’t be happening anytime soon.

I have been looking for a full-time job since 2008…had a short stint as a foster care worker and got fired..

I do not have any savings.

I do not have the PUREST support of my family for my business endeavours.

I at times feel like I am going to fail.

I am in a graduate program I no longer want but will finish because I have just one more semester.

The talk of not having a job is a real sore subject for me especially since I have been applying for jobs that I am qualified for, but the issue I am having is that I really DON’T want to work for someone else.

I want to have some odd jobs where I work for someone else but my schedule will have to be put into the contract.  The point of this post is to tell you and myself to keep on pushing.  Your day will come!!  Keep working hard, and working on your dreams to get to where you are going. When you have a vision FOLLOW that vision even if you only have the support of God.  He will not fail you and just when you think he has forgotten about you things will have been turned around.

I may not be where I thought or feel I should be but I will be there soon.  Time out for the pitty sessions I have been giving because of others expectations on my life.  Yes times are hard, but they are not supposed to be easy. I love what I do and the progress shows. The phone calls are coming, the clients are coming, the business meetings are coming, and the speaking engagements are coming.

I know they are.

I know what I have to do to align myself to receive these abundant blessings God is going to be to showering on me soon.  The first is to STOP trying to live up to what someone one else wanted for my life. This is MY life and I have to act like it. No sense in crying over spoiled milk. Gonna wipe it up and keep on moving and trucking it along.

Thanks for reading, tell me how you push past living for YOU and no one else.