Black Sheep

When you are born into a family….and mostly everyone is normal.. Normal being Heterosexual in my case, it’s hard being the outcast..

Let me explain…..

I am a proud lesbian, my family feels I am in a phase.. Well let’s just say I have outgrown the phase age stage in my life… The moment I came out of the closet I broke free and have been trying to defend who I was ever since.

Why am I constantly defending who I am though?

This is a question I cannot answer because I have a need to want to be loved.. Loved from my family. I care what my family thinks of me, not people who don’t give two shits nor know who I truly am (let’s get this common miscommunication clear) I think I care so much because my aunts and uncles helped raise me where my mother and father fell short and then when my mother died they stepped in even more. So there’s a different dynamic relationship here…..

However, I have to and must follow the same advice that I give my clients who are dealing with or have dealt with the same issues.

Its simple…

God did not make any mistakes with me.

I am who I am.

I will not change who I am for my family.

I will not hide who I am.

I am in love with Javania.

I will not continue to defend my attraction.

I therefore will not longer feel as if I am the Black Sheep in my family.

 

 

Have you ever felt like the oddball in your family? Share your story below.


Meet LaChelle

Name and location: LaChelle, Minneapolis, MN

How old were you when you thought about committing suicide?

I was about 15 years old when the thoughts started. I went through a long sporadic period of severe depression in my teens.

Did you go through with your thinking?

No. I never actually attempted suicide.

Did you have a suicide plan? If yes, what was it?

Not necessarily. There would be times I would think to myself that I should just do it. Most times I would think of just slitting my wrists and sitting in a bathtub. I never thought about writing a note or anything like that.

What was the reason you wanted to commit suicide?

I believe that once you enter adolescence you fully gain consciousness of yourself and you become aware of who you are. You may not fully know yourself but emotionally you begin to be very aware of your feelings and your surroundings.  At the time my mother was on drugs and my father was absent like he had always been. Now, I could say those factors at that time were the sole reasons I had begun to think of suicide but I believe the issue was far more deep rooted and as mentioned before I only became conscious of my emotional issues when I entered adolescence. My mother being on drugs was not a new development; I just finally became fully aware that she was. She had been in and out of rehab from 1989 (the year after I was born) up until a few years ago and she has been sober ever since (which I am so grateful for). I never saw my mom do the drugs, she made it a point to keep that image of her away from me. The problem was that when a person is on drugs, the relationship they have with that drug is more important than any other relationship. Simply put, physically and monetarily my mother was always there for me but emotionally she was not, she just did not have the strength. I was not your stereotypical child of a drug addict. I never was in foster care or in the care of random people & relatives, I never went without food or clothing, I never had to deal with the embarrassment of everyone knowing my mother was a drug addict; it was pretty much hidden from the outside world. I can say now that I am so grateful for that and even impressed that my mother manage to take such good care of me while succumbing to her illness. What tainted me and caused me emotional pain for so many years was the lack of nurturing. I did not have story time with my mom, she didn’t come to my conferences, and I didn’t get in trouble if I had a bad grade. She missed out on soccer games, choir concerts and that type of thing. Sometimes she did make an effort but they always tended to be passive. It was hard seeing kids with moms that were so enthusiastic about what they had going on and my mom just seemed like she could care less. It was like no one took an interest to me. My mom would go to work, come home, cook me dinner and go into her room or watch TV for the remainder of the night. There was no togetherness in the household. On top of that, my sister was 11 years older than me and living outside of the home raising her own child at a young age, so growing up for me was very lonely. I did not feel important or that I was special. I was spoiled and showered with toys and nice clothes to compensate for the lack of emotional care. Another factor had to be the absence of my father and the amount of damage he did when he was there. He was always in and out of my life; it all depended on my mom’s willingness to be with him. He was abusive, he abused my mother for several years and he did not care who saw him do it. I have very vivid and frightening memories of him beating her.  In a sense, those early childhood memories made me who I am because I was not fully able to develop into a person before I was exposed to those kinds of things. Getting back to the point, in my teenage years I went through a huge insecure “why doesn’t anybody love me?” phase. That lack of nurturing and hostile environment had me seeking love in others rather than looking for love in myself first; I didn’t know any better. Negative emotions really fueled me at the time. I hated my mom, my dad, myself, my life. I thought that everything that happened was my fault. I was always in trouble at school for fighting because I knew there would be no consequences at home; my mother did not care. My mom had to go back to rehab while I was in high school and I basically lived alone while she was away. We ended up losing our house and having to move into an apartment; I had to live with my older sister and at my aunt’s house a few times. I was unstable in pretty much any way you could think of. I felt like I was a burden, like everyone’s life would be so much better if I was not there. It was a very dark time for me. I hated the way I looked. I thought that I was ugly and stupid. I mutilated myself by cutting which was partly a release and partly a punishment for being who I was. I remember being frustrated with myself for not having the courage to just do it. All the while no one had the slightest idea what was going on in my head and that I woke up wanting to die every day. There was a huge amount of shame living inside of me. I was ashamed of my mother, my father, my depression and myself for even being born. I was the only child of the 3 my parents conceived that survived child birth; I used to think “why didn’t I die like the rest of them?”

Are you thankful that you did not succeed?

Yes.  100% thankful. I wouldn’t be able to share my story with others. Moreover, I would have died not even realizing how great of a person I am. I’ve been blessed with so many gifts and so many wonderful people that I thank God for everyday. It’s truly amazing to me.

Have you gotten therapy to help you with your past suicidal thoughts?

I never went to therapy. The thoughts were all very internal. I would share thoughts with a boyfriend (who had severe emotional issues as well) but never family or close friends, I didn’t want them to judge me and label me as crazy. I think being a Black woman in general it’s hard to be able to discuss your emotions and feelings without being branded as an “Angry Black Woman”. I’ve been vulnerable with people in the past who just used it against me later as a way to judge me and that hurts a lot. If you cannot be vulnerable with people who claim to love you then who can you be vulnerable with?

If you could say something to your younger self, what would it be?

It gets better. The things you are going through do not make you any less worthy or special than the next person. Your struggles will make you stronger and eventually you will grow from them, learn and maybe even inspire someone else who is going through the same thing that you are now. You are smart you are beautiful you have so much to give. You don’t need the validation of anyone to know this, not your parents, your friends, a guy or anyone else. Hold your head high.

Have you talked to your family and friends about your past suicide thoughts and/or attempts?

I have not. In my family, it is really hard to speak on all of our pain because there are still some unresolved issues as far as people being able to get over things that happened. Things have definitely gotten better. My mom and I are closer now which is a huge accomplishment but I know there are still some scars left that each and every one of us is battling with each day. I just focus on finding peace individually. The past is the past. I would not change it for anything because it made me who I am now.

How can you help youth who are feeling suicidal, have tried to commit suicide, and did not succeed?

Let them know that they are not alone. Even if there is no one in their life to show them love or help them feel special there is someone who loves them unconditionally and that is God. If you’re feeling weak, pray. That is truly what got me through everything. Sure, I could have called a suicide intervention line and gotten some help but what people can’t do that God can is give you peace of mind. ALWAYS have faith in God, no matter how low you are feeling. If you have faith that things will get better then they WILL get better.

What is your mind frame now?

Right now I am happy with my life. It’s not perfect by any means. I get lonely, I get stressed and overwhelmed. I’m working on goals to better myself, emotionally, financially, etc. but I’m still content and at peace with my life. There’s nothing more that I want or need to make me feel happy or at peace, anything extra is just a bonus. There are still some emotional struggles I find myself battling every now and again but as of now I’m just focusing on nurturing this newfound peace of mind so I can live my life as positively and happily as possible.

How is your self-worth and self-esteem?

They are great. Overcoming those obstacles and seeing my mom go through some of the things she did really helped shape them. In addition to that I have been hurt by plenty of people and that also showed me what I do and do not want and how I would like to be treated. There are things I know I will never stand for because of what I went through in the past.

Anything else you want to tell us?

If you’re going through something and you feel alone, know that you are not. Someone has seen your struggle and that someone overcame it, you can too. Don’t compare your life to others; you’ll never be happy. If you have an idea of what you think life should be like, dead it; there is no way to determine how life is really supposed to be. Once you realize that life is not perfect, it will start feeling like it is. Accept and embrace your struggles, if you don’t they will become who you are. Learn as you go, learn as your grow.

Where can we find you on the web?

http://www.theeclectanista.tumblr.com

 

 

 


My Life Intentions

I have been reading “Make Under My Life”  by jewelry designer and blogger Jess for the past two years.  Her mission is to live a better life with intentions and I fully understand and want the same for my life.  She has this project where other bloggers can design their life intentions and send to her to be featured on her blog.  I have had this on my to-do list for the past four months and I have finally sat my tail down and wrote them out. J I hope you all enjoy and look forward to living your life with intentions in the near future.

Do It Myself- Design Your Life

Healthy Living Intentions-

I have been working out continuously for the past seven months, I am at a place where I want to tone and loose these extra pounds.  I stopped eating fried foods, but French fries and sweets are my weakness.  I intend to stay on the path I am with my fitness even though the gym and I have a love hate relationship, I need to learn to love it always. I started smoking last year and I have been trying to stop ever since, the moment I started praying to God about it I have not wanted to smoke, but there are times when I am really stressed out that I want to smoke.

Financial Intentions-

With out giving or telling ALL of my business I was free of credit card debt January 2010..  Yeah, no longer am I free so I intend to have half of this credit card debt gone by May 2012.  I plan and intend to start saving for my next big move out of the state.  I do not know where I am moving as of now but I want to have at least $6,000 saved so I have some slicing of spending to do.  Being mindful of what I am spending, making sure it is not frivolous and that I need the item will be good for me because I use a budget but feel that after I have paid all of my bills I can just spend and spend. NOT GOOD.

Business (Career) Intentions-

I’m currently a midnight hustler, have a part-time job, I’m in graduate school, I volunteer with three different non-profit organizations, anddddd I just applied for a Full Time job at a substance abuse program that is hosted in a jail.  My business (midnight hustling) is my career; I know that my job is to help others get through life an easier way.  I love speaking to people and being able to help people by just telling my story, however I am in the position where I NEED multiple streams of income.  So I want and intend to continue to hustle hard, one day want to be full time just doing my businesses but until then I have to talk myself into going to a job to work under someone because these jobs are inline with my career.  I learn SO much on the job where I know I will be able to take it with me for my career.  So I have to remember the ultimate goal when I do go to the day job and know that one day my dreams will all be true.

Spiritual Intentions-

As I get older my faith is getting stronger.  I went through a period where I felt that I did not need to go to church to be close to God and while I still feel that, I am at a point where I want to fellowship with others who believe the same things I do so I will start to go to church and help out with the younger children in the church.  I give back to the “regular” community and I need and want to start giving back to the church community.

Social Intentions-

I am a loner and a lame.. I want to start getting out and having a life.  I can walk up to someone and start talking at a networking event, so I need to learn to do this outside of my business.  I need a life outside of my business and need to learn how to unwind and not worry about checking my email.  I have not been doing too well on the email intervention, which is why I am going to continue to do it as Jess LC does them and even with out her.  A lot of my friends complain about me not being around or coming out and falling asleep on them. (Wonder why) Just kidding I know why and I intend to change this immediately.  Oh and this includes traveling also and not worrying about if I have to go alone.  I want to live my life and have FUN!!

Emotional/Me Time Intentions-

Gorgeous upside down emotions are running through me daily.  I have so much going on, being pulled in so many different directions that I at times should say ENOUGH.  No more! BUT I do not.  I must stop and have time for me.  Stressing myself out and constantly going and going and going and being afraid to say NO will stop.  I schedule everything else in my planner but I stopped scheduling gym time or spa days.  Well truthfully I have not gone to the spa in almost two years, I used to take care of my outside exterior all the time.  I must admit I have been worried about getting my inside to match the outside that I have let my outside go.  Starting today, I am going to make sure to take care of my emotional health and that includes getting back to me time and standing up for me.