Memior: Mother

I have been working on writing a book about my childhood, being molested and working through the aftermath of being molested, and then about how I have overcome..

Part of the book will have some parts about my mother and her drug use.  I have been very open about how I felt about my mother feeling like she chose drugs over me. The reality is she didn’t, I know that there are others out there who had parents that used drugs and probably did not understand the drug use either.  I remember days when she made promises but broke them…. The promises were broken because she found, panhandled, or even begged for money to get her drugs.  I never knew how to express my feelings and emotions because I was too young, so I expressed anger towards her.  My mother was a wonderful woman, but she did not know how to leave the drugs alone, I believe because she was embarrassed about her mental illness. My mother was bi-polar and had schizophrenia symptoms as well…

BUT no matter what she always told me that she loved me.

I know what it’s like to want “that” special mother’s love,

I know what it’s like to want to go to the mother’s dance with your actual mother,

I know what it’s like to want to call and talk on the phone with my mother when feeling down,

I know what it’s like to sit on the sidelines and see friends interacting with their mother and feeling left out even with them doing the best that they can to make me apart of their family.

Through it all I have kept most of my true feelings to myself because at the end of the day, I do not have a mother who is here in the physical but I am not lacking in spirit.  God knows what the plan he has for my life, and it would be unappreciative of me to act as if the ‘mothers’ I do have do not mean a lot to me.  I may not have my birth mother, but God has placed other women in my life who are like a mother to help me.

So if you, are like me in the sense of not having a physical mother here on earth (no matter the reason), but have women in your life that can be that mother figure make sure you take the time out to thank them.

Feel free to share with me if you would like! 🙂


Day 5:

A time you thought about ending your own life:

I was 19 years of age, laying in my dorm room Spring Semester 2005 at SIUE and was depressed and crying because I was missing my mother who died when I was 16, trying to sort through being molested, trying to ignore and stop my attraction to women, failing ALLLLL of my classes at that time, and did not want to live anymore. I felt that it would have been easier to just end my life. I picked up a bottle of Tylenol, poured a bunch in my hand, and in walked my roommate as I was putting my hand to my mouth to swallow, more.. She knocked them out of my hand and then called a close friend of mine to tell him to get to our room immediately. That was a turning point for me. I went to counseling which did not help, I still had suicide thoughts but didn’t try to hurt myself. At that point in my life counseling didn’t stop me from thinking about slitting my wrists or swallowing pills…It actually made me what to end my life more, but the promise I made to God, myself, and friends at that time is what helped.

What about you? Have you ever thought about ending your life?

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