Correction of Self ?

DISCLAIMER: I don’t claim to know everything and I don’t claim to be an expert. I am however someone who used to hate looking at myself in the mirror, I used to hate what everything about me looked like. I used to tell myself I wanted to just die. Below are TWO exercises that I DID for myself to get out of the rut and negative place that I was in. These exercises may not work for YOU. You have to get into the habit of finding out about YOU and how YOU will respond to retraining your mind to be positive.

 

Exercise 1:

It is important to be honest with yourself; you have to answer to your eyes and God (if you believe or if you believe in something else). Write out things that you fear then write out why, and then steps that you will take to get rid of your fear. Being fearful holds you stagnant in your growth and makes you comfortable. You never want to be okay with not changing and facing fears. You have to learn to overcome your fears. Lying allows you to not change. If you really sit down and figure out what bothers and scares you, life will become better.

Exercise 2:

Everyday for thirty minutes write down something that you feel you need to change about yourself, why, and how you plan to make these changes. There needs to be at least four steps on how you plan to make these changes in your life.

 

 


Helping vs. Condemning

Back in 2011 we learned of Amber Cole.

I found out about this 14 year old child who has been misguided and I took up for her like she was my little sister, cousin, or mentee. I did (and will do it again for someone else) so because grown women were calling her all types of names and saying that she “was a fast little (insert your derogatory word of choice)” I did not and still do not agree with those statements. Yes, she was filmed giving head to a young boy who was in her class outside and could have looked like she enjoyed it (I don’t know did not watch the video because I don’t feel that I should participate in watching child pornography)

 

Here are some reasons and questions as to why we know about her (and most importantly, why weren’t these students in school and why didn’t their prospective teachers notice they were missing):

 

  1. Ignorant little boys using technology and watching like it was a freak show.
  2. How has her life been so far growing up? Meaning was she molested, did she watch others have sex, was she taught about self-esteem, was she taught about self worth, did her mother tell her she betta not be fucking but she heard and saw her mother doing the same. All of these scenarios should be included into the fact that she was acting out for attention.
  3. Was she bullied or made fun of? This question matters because peer pressure is REAL in case none of you knew, also did this guy force her to come outside and give him head. Force? Yes, force meaning he would tell people that she did it when she really did not so she would still be made fun of and ostracized so she went ahead and did it. Now she is being called hoe/slut all over the United States.. (How soon do you GROWN people forget that you used to do the same activities.. Some of you gave head or was being fast and got caught kissing at school and was caught on the camera or you knew where the cameras were NOT placed and was able to get away with it. How about looking in the mirror before condemning this child)

 

Now let’s talk about solutions so that there will not be another Amber Cole in this technology advanced world.

  1. This is the number one way to help out our teens whom are misguided and look to the media whether it’s the television or internet for information. This is truer that you may want to admit. We have the boom of rappers talking about how they “banged some hoe” the night before.. have rappers talking about how “you can have whatever you like” but you gotta do something for it be it sex or begging. Think about how you can help one teen out instead of talking about how “fast they are”
  2. Blogging about positive things and posting it for teens to see. Going to places where they are and cutting out sheets of paper with your blog site, giving them five reasons why they should visit. If you draw them in, you will have their attention. Reading about self-worth, self-esteem, healthy relationships, safe sex, physical fitness, and etc will be a great outlet for them.
  3. Stop posting sex-a-pades and tips for teens to see. Not saying you cannot be who you are, but limiting this can be a huge help for them. Remember me saying that the internet is where they are going for information.
  4. Speaking about how to have healthy sex and relationships and talk about abstinence but NOT just that. Telling a 16 year old that they should not have sex is just like telling your 28-year-old self that you can’t have a cupcake. It is going o happen so instead of ignoring it, how about we provide healthy avenues for them to come and ask questions.

All of these tips work, I know from experience have younger cousins and two mentees. When you are a positive light you will draw individuals to you and our teens need more positive avenues. They are not seeing enough, they have stressors coming across their eyes daily, from not being “cute” enough, “skinny” enough, “popular” enough, “smart” enough when in reality these life lessons should be coming from home. BUT they are not. Therefore, WE as a community has to step in to help. Think about being apart of the solution and not problem.


Embracing Who You TRULY Are

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?

When you look into your eyes, do you like what you see?

When someone else looks at you, do you get uncomfortable?

When you look at someone else, do you wish you looked like them?

When will YOU be enough for YOU?

Remember the old school saying: “You must love yourself before someone else can love you”

This saying should always be at the fore front of your life because it is true.

  • I remember at 7 years old at school being made fun of because I was in the bathroom putting on a pad and my classmates looking under and over the stalls laughing at pointing at me.
  • I remember being 9 years old being called a pizza face because I had severe acne and one of my “close friends” being the main one to start that laughter.
  • I remember being 13 years old sensing something was different about me because I was sitting next to my best friend and feeling a sensation in my body that I knew would get me in trouble.
  • I remember being 17 years old sneaking my high school boyfriend in the house while my grandmother was at work, learning the art of faking a orgasm, and being into men.
  • I also remember the pain I felt on the inside.. the lie I was creating would haunt me until I became strong enough to face the adversity that many LGBT members face..
  • I remember crying myself to sleep.
  • I remember hating the way I looked.

I also remember going to the mirror the same night that I tried to commit suicide and feeling a calm flow over me. I believe it was God talking to me saying that I was enough.

I was beautiful.

I was not left over trash.

I deserved to be me in the light and in the dark.

 

At 19 years old a true transformation took over for me. I started thinking positive. I started saying positive things to myself. I started dealing with childhood issues and the fact that I was lying to myself denying the attraction that I had to women. I got back to volunteering, and I prepared myself for what was to come.

Empowering is something that I do through my story.

You never know what someone is going through or what someone one has gone though previously.   Do your best to keep a positive flow through out your life. Once negative starts to flow, it will be in charge before you know it. Don’t let the negative things; people, and places take control.

End friendships if you have to.. You must be in control of what you want to deal will. If you have a negative perception of yourself, figure out why. You were born to be you, and no one else.

 

So again…

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?

When you look into your eyes, do you like what you see?

When someone else looks at you, do you get uncomfortable?

When you look at someone else, do you wish you looked like them?

When will YOU be enough for YOU?

 


Pain

Pain….

Comes in different sizes, form, shapes and usually it does not care how it infiltrates your life but it’s up to you how you decide to handle said pain. Just about everyone has a story of pain to tell, whether it be from childhood, teens, young adult, or adulthood it’s their pain and they must own it before it owns them.

Some may scratch their heads and ask, How would one do this?

Simple, take control and get through the pain the best way you know how. It won’t be easy and for some it maybe harder than others, but if you have a goal to let the pain do then work at it until you have control over how your pain comes to you.

As a race, a minority race, we cannot continue to let the pain of of past control our lives here in the present because then, it will eat away at us like acid for our future.

The choice is yours. Which one do you choose?


Self-Worth: Part Two

If you have not read Part One, please do so first.. (click on the link)

As I said in Part One growing up I hated to look in the mirror, I avoided it at all costs.. I simply refused to look back at my reflection…. When I left Maywood and traveled to Edwardsville for college I did not think that I was going to go through changes immediately. I had people in my life who challenged the childish things I did on a daily basis and had no choice but to start to look at myself.

I slowly started to look in the mirror from bottom up because it wasn’t just my face that I had issues with. Once I got accustomed to looking at my feet, thighs, stomach, arms, and breasts I then moved to different parts of my face slowly spending 30 days looking at the different parts.. I spent 30 days (per feature) on lips, eyes, nose, skin, and eyebrows because my face was the problem I had the most issues with.  I would say something positive every day about whatever feature I was on and if I started to think negative thoughts I would stop and pray then start over with my positive affirmations.  I have since used this exercise with my clients and it does work!

If you are in a bad space where you need help learning to love and cherish  yourself try the exercise and let me know if it worked for you!

 


Self-Worth: Part One

When I look in the mirror I always look straight at my eyes first… If I am in one of my moods where I am feeling down, my eyes usually water. If I am in one of my moods where I am perfectly content, my eyes usually water.  If I am in one of my moods where I am being goofy, my eyes usually water. I have noticed this watering of my eyes when I look directly into them since I was 19. I think (don’t know if this is the real reason) this is because I LOVE what I see now.

19 is not that long ago, half of 19 and all of the years under… I would not look in the mirror because I was afraid to look back at the reflection that was “ugly”.

Growing up I hated to look at myself.

1. I had bad acne. From as early as I can remember I always had pimples and blackheads that loved to pop up on my young adolescent face.. I do not know what I was always the brink of my “friends” and classmates jokes but I was. Maybe because I was always outspoken but unpopular.

1b. I had scares from the acne that I picked at. I watched my cousins put toothpaste on their pimples and it magically go away, so I tried doing the same and every time I failed. I was told over and over again to leave my face alone, but something in me really felt that if I was to make the pimples go away, I would make the jokes go away.. WRONG.

2. I looked exactly like my mother. I did not want to see my mother because I had so much angst for her. I felt abandoned by her so why would I want to look like the woman who did not want me?

3. I felt that my nose covered my face.  In all actuality my nose was not that big, but in my mind it was and yes I was overly dramatic… You, know I was in the drama club for a reason! Certified Drama Queen Right HERE :-0)

4. I felt that I was dirty because of being raped/molested and being threatened to not tell anyone, I had to hold that pain inside for years and when I did finally say something I was asked “Well, why did you wait until now to say something, that’s odd” In my mind it did not matter when I spoke up, what mattered was that I got that pain off of me so that I could begin to heal. I was also told that I was lying on more than one occasion.  (How’s that for someone who already has low self-worth and is trying to build it up?)

This is Part One just wait for the next one! 🙂

How is your self-worth?  Has it always been as strong as it is now?


Self-Of-Steem: Natural Hair

I have been natural for almost seven years now.. AGAIN.. I was raised with out a relaxer and getting my hair pressed in high school. I was a cheerleader and my hair would always sweat out and would never move the way my counterparts hair moved in the wind because it was fully of pressing grease. After begging and begging and more begging my  grandmother agreed to let me get a relaxer .

My hair was never the same.

It wasn’t growing the way it was prior to the relaxer, but oh it sure was moving in the wind and it was moving right on out of my scalp when combed. I regretted getting a relaxer but I COULD not let my granny at the time know that she was correct. I was in the “good hair” crowd because my hair was not curling up anymore when I got rained on during games.. It was still straight.. stringy but straight. I started experimenting with hair color and my hair still was falling right on out,but being the low self-of-steem young teen I was I ignored it and kept saying well it will grow back….

When to college and cut all my hair off to the 2004 “Fantasia” cut, because it was falling out anyway.. Loved that style but grew it out…and got tired of getting my scalp severely burned every time I had to get a “touch up” before you say, well were you doing it right, I was going to the hair salon… I talked to my aunt who had been natural for as long as I could remember and asked her what to do. She stated, get some braids and let your hair grow out, I said okay and went to my hair stylist the next day and simply said, cut it off.

When I first went natural in January of 2006, I cut all my hair off and had a fade..

I liked my small fro, my unruly tightly coiled hair I really did!

Until…..

I let others comments get to me..

Comments like:

“Ugh, why did you cut allllll of your hair off?”

“Wellllll, you way were prettier with straight hair”.

“You should put another relaxer in your hair so it can be longer”.

“Well, why is your hair so nappy”?

“You ain’t gonna never get nobody with that head fully of nappy hair”!

“Just look at this girl, hey you nappy child”.

So I got really self conscious and started to let it mess with my thoughts about myself and started thinking, well they are correct, I was prettier with straight hair. Felling defeated and ugly…on my birthday October 2006, I got a relaxer.

The newness of the relaxer lasted all of 24 hours before I started regretting getting another relaxer and letting others comments decide for me how I felt about myself and my hair. I wrote a pact to myself at that time that, never again would I let someone elses insecurities and comments define who I am and what I do to myself. I also did not get another relaxer and grew my hair out this time which is called transitioning.. I was patient with my two different of textures for about seven months which my hair grew tremendously, but I wanted all of the straight pieces gone, so I did the ‘big chop”. Every since that mishap with my self- of- steem I have not been worried nor cared what others think about me.

I work in a more conservative environment and for the first three months I was self conscious of wearing my hair out because I work predominantly with men who are my clients and I did/do not like the stares that they give me.. However, I can only be me so slowly but surely I started wearing my hair out all the way, while the women I work (co-workers) with love it my clients HATE it.  BINGO.. If I would have known that wearing my hair out would make the stares and attention go away, I would have started off with my hair out.

I do not let anyone tell me how I should look or what I should do to my hair… That’s no one’s decision and if my self-of-steem was still low I would always think twice about what I do..

How is your self-of-steem?

Are you letting others who are not comfortable with themselves dictate how you feel about yourself?

If so, why?

If, so STOP… STOP NOW.


Memior: Mother

I have been working on writing a book about my childhood, being molested and working through the aftermath of being molested, and then about how I have overcome..

Part of the book will have some parts about my mother and her drug use.  I have been very open about how I felt about my mother feeling like she chose drugs over me. The reality is she didn’t, I know that there are others out there who had parents that used drugs and probably did not understand the drug use either.  I remember days when she made promises but broke them…. The promises were broken because she found, panhandled, or even begged for money to get her drugs.  I never knew how to express my feelings and emotions because I was too young, so I expressed anger towards her.  My mother was a wonderful woman, but she did not know how to leave the drugs alone, I believe because she was embarrassed about her mental illness. My mother was bi-polar and had schizophrenia symptoms as well…

BUT no matter what she always told me that she loved me.

I know what it’s like to want “that” special mother’s love,

I know what it’s like to want to go to the mother’s dance with your actual mother,

I know what it’s like to want to call and talk on the phone with my mother when feeling down,

I know what it’s like to sit on the sidelines and see friends interacting with their mother and feeling left out even with them doing the best that they can to make me apart of their family.

Through it all I have kept most of my true feelings to myself because at the end of the day, I do not have a mother who is here in the physical but I am not lacking in spirit.  God knows what the plan he has for my life, and it would be unappreciative of me to act as if the ‘mothers’ I do have do not mean a lot to me.  I may not have my birth mother, but God has placed other women in my life who are like a mother to help me.

So if you, are like me in the sense of not having a physical mother here on earth (no matter the reason), but have women in your life that can be that mother figure make sure you take the time out to thank them.

Feel free to share with me if you would like! 🙂